"you told me i was shattered"

my glass shards cut you,

and i'm sorry.

once upon a time

i was a stained glass window

but you broke me.

even so,

you didn't deserve

the slices

that your damage

inflicted

on us.

hello up there

on your

high

high

chair

can you hear

my cries

stuffed with your

steady diet

of lies

can you see

me

over your

make believe ideals

of who I should be

witness my attempt

to breach

your

fortress

of contempt

you set the rules

and I obey

while pieces

of me

die every day

will you watch

as I disappear

fade into

nothing

to feed your fear

(My interpretation of Luthien's poem "Limited Atonement" for her fun challenge)

touch sets fire

like a match. I'm struck

I can't even breathe

when she's near

I willn't expose the truth —

Disguise my heaving chest

with relaxation — Yet,

my trembling lips betray, us

In time, in space,

no need for air

Nigh, I'm breathing in her

Every day spent in secret

in her arms,

in her eyes,

suspended by her pulsing heart.

@Luthien

ORIGINAL:

Her

Her touches set fire that must be cloaked

I cannot breathe for love of her

Do not, expose the awful truth

Disguise the pounding in my chest

Even my trembling lips betray “us”

Not now, but perhaps in time

Lest hope be forlorn

Oft I’ve begged Fate

Vice tis not, nor ever was

Everything in her arms, eyes and heart

You heard my cries from deep inside my heart,

my soul,

my spirit,

yet it passed through your ears.

You didn’t come to my aid,

instead you remained on your throne.

Indifferent.

Complacent.

Where are you?

Where did you go?

You seemed so hidden,

somewhere deep and dark and far away,

and I didn't think it was my fault this time.

I’ve cried out,

called out,

over and

over and

over.

I came to you

over and

over and

over,

yet you were not there

not at your throne of grace.

Where is your compassion?

But I am all alone.

I’ve done it all:

tried to love you,

to surrender,

but my thoughts never agreed with my actions.

I’m drowning in constant,

nagging, binding thoughts of

Who

are

you?

Everyone has an opinion of who you are,

of who they think you are,

of who they expect you to be,

but everyone contradicts each other.

It’s exhausting

trying to figure you out

every time I change.

I’m done,

I’m tired,

I’m not doing it anymore,

this constant battle in my mind

between who I am

and who you expect me to be.

I guess

I was

never

yours.

Her touches set fire that must be cloaked

I cannot breathe for love of her

Do not, expose the awful truth

Disguise the pounding in my chest

Even my trembling lips betray “us”

Not now, but perhaps in time

Lest hope be forlorn

Oft I’ve begged Fate

Vice tis not, nor ever was

Everything in her arms, eyes and heart

Buried deep within me, there's a pair of inconceivable hands that devour my soul.

Rotten claws tear at every fragment of life that's left in me and desecrate my will to live.

Over and over, each day I awaken to a series of unforgiving pain as if I'm a criminal who's Kept captive in a sinner's prison in the depths of an infinitely furious and fiery Hell.

End me; I see no difference from a beating heart and breathless lungs.

No number of tears shed or prayers said or hope fed and dead can save me- I'm forever

broken.

my love letters

relics of a past hope

no longer alive.

my love letters

are mere kindling for the fire

where i die over and again

bleeding out for

the forgiveness of its sins

my love letters

no longer sweet

stinging with the bitterness of regret

emptiness

my love letters

now just a mistake

a confession of my sins

for my crimes against her pride

my love letters

are just words

desperately written

when i forgot who i was

for one unholy moment

my love letters

must be forgotten

buried, hidden away

so i cannot be tempted

by the memory of her name

my love letters

are just letters now

scrawled out in a moment

of crazed indignity & passion

just an illusion, just shadows

just embers of the flames

Relics of my past hope kindle the fire beneath the altar

destined in death to plead in repent.

Regret and unrequited bittersweet confession

leaving my tongue stung.

Spellbound words unholy writ

desperately seek to reclaim myself.

The memory and temptation of her name

lies forgotten, buried, and hidden away.

Now my love letters remain just as they were in that moment--

Crazed indignity. Just shadows. Just dust.

her feet don't touch the ground,

footsteps settling

dandruff fluff of foot-deep ash

that coats her toes,

the outlines blurring under the

soft, soft grey-white

step, step

softly

when she walks, the sky

is empty

and the wind that tugs her hair

sends drifting pieces spiralling

slow motion

in the hazy

soft, soft

landing at her feet

her toes are coated

and she can see the blurred flecks of ash

in her eyelashes

clogging her tear ducts when she

blinks

the fuzzy feeling

drowning everything

until she wonders if

she's come apart

does she exist?

beneath the ash there's nothing

left that she can

see beneath

the empty

cloudy

foggy

blurry

she's come apart and

drifting on the wind

she wonders

was I ever here?

based on 'the pieces of who i am' by Luthien

https://theprose.com/post/359107/the-pieces-of-who-i-am

My fingers are marred with scars and cursed with the arthritis i gained as a reward for my petty attempt to keep a tight grip on the beautiful lies you told me.

My crooked bones crack and curl around what is left of our love, the paint chips from your nail polish that you left in bed that night were more than enough to fill my appetite for lonliness.

If your voice could reach my ears one last time would you tell me that I'll be okay? Or would you spread your wings made of my tears and drown me in the endless abyss that is our memories?

Would you put my head to your chest and let your slow beating heart play the symphony of what could have been in our world of make-believe? Or would you smile at me and let the sound of the early morning rain speak for you?

For now I'll hold you close, and keep you warm as we listen to the sound of the rain and impending sirens.