Good morning world and all who inhabit it. TO be honest, I don't know what to write here. I Don't know if I want to share all that's on my mind to the internet today.

So today is February 14th, Valentine's Day, and I'm single as a pringle. I'm not doing anything, and I'm okay with that. Okay, I have 1 thing I need to do twoday. Wayt, two things to do today. Make cake and go to this grief recovery class. I'm note even remotely prepared for class and tbh I have broken the "don't go back and edit" rule.

I have homework I istll need to complete for it tbh and I'm dreading it. I'm going to continue to break the rul when necessary. I'm supposed to make a relationship graph about how I Felt about things that had happened to me/were done to bme by a specific person. I won't goin to detail but I'm absolutely dreading it. I have to do my dad. I said I would do my dad. I don't even know what to write on it.

I'm supposed to be dealing with my emtoins, the way things he did made me feel, and I'm supposed to do it in chronological order or something and it sucks. I don't know what to put on it. I don't know how I felt or anything. I didn't even finish all of the reading I was supposed to do. I don't want to go tonight. BUt, I have my partner whose counting on me and I only have three more classes to go before I'm done. I've had a week to work on it and today is literally the firtst day off I've had since last Tuesday. I got most of the reading done.

I also have a cake to make. I have approximately 7 and a quarter hours before I need to leave for my class today. I have time for cake. I got it started by making the raspberry filling part, but I Need to do that baking part. The cooling of the ckaes part. I also could progbably eat something.

I'm not going out for the holiday today. Maybe I'll go out early and get a mocktail from a local dessert place. I could leave a little early and stop by there. I thought about taking myself out ot lunch but I think I might order some fried chicken since my dad mentioned wanting some yesterday. So instead I'll just buy every one dinner. Mkaes today easy.

RIght now I'm having a hard timed staying focused. I had a little caffeine today. I try not to consume it because it doesn't actually make you not tired it just fools your brain into think you're not tired.

So for the cake, I gotta make batter and bake it and let it cool. Yesterday was crab rangoon day and I got the crab rangoonl. Ate the leftovers for breakfast. Might eat something more hearty now. Idk. We will see.

Have a lovely day. :)

When I walk down the aisle at the grocery store,

I see the brand of sauce you used to buy for spaghetti.

I’m longing for your spaghetti.

I miss you.

I don’t know why it’s harder than it was last year.

It’s just that all I want is to attempt to make it since

I saw you do it once.

Last time I brought it up,

my mom bought the right brand but wrong flavor.

I fear it won’t taste the same, but I’d still like to try. Why should it have to die with you?

I know you weren’t blood grandma, but I love you and my heart hurts and I saw grandpa and his new wife again recently and I don’t think that helped.

I wrote the piece in the picture in June of 2020. I know it’s a risk to document this, for if/when heartbreak comes this post will be hard to look back on. But I’ve chosen the risk of getting my heart broken, so I may as well risk this.

For three years, with some gaps in between, I’ve had a crush on him. Three years of pining, of wondering whether or not he likes me or is interested in me.

In August of this year, I met him for coffee. Asked him out myself. It wasn’t romantic or dreamy or anything, and it was nice but boring. There was a lot of quiet moments. Both of us were uncomfortable. Probably. I know I was I literally had no idea what to expect. I hoped it was just an off day for the both of us.

There was no progression for a few weeks. I got Covid in September which makes it hard to ask people out socially, and I was hoping he would ask me to do something next. I prefer the traditional way, guy asks the girl, but modern problems (I want to see him again and he’s not asking me) require modern solutions (I ask him if he’s interested in doing something together again).

So October rolled around and we made plans to take a walk in the park. The day of choice was cold and windy and it rained lightly a few times, even had some hail, but it was so nice to spend time with him. It wasn’t as cold as I thought it would be and we walked at least three miles. Spent a couple hours together. He seemed more comfortable around me this time, and I would say the same about myself.

He picked me up and when we’re on the way to my house, he asked me if I liked scary movies —I don’t, not anymore— but he asked because he wanted to see one with me. Then the day after I was planning to message him after work or something to tell him I had a nice time, but he messaged me asking about going out for Mexican food next week. The plans are tentative at the moment, but we’ll see if it’s possible.

I think it’s possible he might like me which is wild to think about. It’s wild that I get to spend time with him at all.

On a whim I took a risk

and asked him out to coffee,

or something

casual like that.

"Yeah that sounds nice" with a smiley face emoji was his response.

I felt like Plankton when he was like, "I don't know, I never thought I'd get this far."

I offered my days off,

hoping one of them would work for him,

one did, and we settled on a place and time.

"Alrighty, looking forward to it" was his reply when I said I'd see him Wednesday.

Wednesday can't come soon enough.

I want the fantasy I built up of you to be crushed. I no longer want to view you with rose colored glasses but with reality. The cracks in the fantasy ache in my heart. Please give me the release of all of the pain, let me see you more accurately. Let my unguarded heart be laid bare and let it break so I can create a new shell, tougher than the last one.

If it's possible, let the fantasy be crushed so I can like who you really are, not who I made you to be in my head.

People joke that brown eyes are full of poop. Blue and green are placed on a pedestal, and I too, was guilty of this.

Blue eyes are beautiful like ocean water, like the sky. Green eyes like grass.

But have you ever seen brown eyes get hit with sunlight? A beautiful shade of amber, of honey, of flecks of gold.

Absolutely beautiful on his face speckled with freckles. His face has always been my favorite part of his appearance, and I hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ll get the chance to see him again.