hold me, as I melt in your arms,

like tears made of iridescent wings.

haunting sirens, forgotten alarms,

just to wear your paper rings. 

tell me, that the world isn't cruel, 

as you sip on ruby blood.

and you pick me out, jewel after jewel,

till it flows furiously, as a flood.

my fire never burnt you,

as you were always made of ice.

darkened by horrors untrue,

and so you rolled the dice.

to haunt me until I fell for,

your game and tilted stage.

you whispered to me and swore,

that we were on the same page.

I'm just like you, both the same 

thick as blood and light like water,

the difference is the way we play the game,

in the eyes of those I slaughter. 

you were fine as you walked away,

armored with the fire from my eyes,

and left only the cold and gray,

then promised me your striking lies.

the walls came crumbling down,

and in the rubble fell the key,

and even though you got the crown,

darling, what about me?

“The End.” The words kept flashing in strident neon in my face. But it wasn’t the ending. My life was just beginning after living so many years with such a miserable man. He was out of my periphery and had been for several months. I tried not to think about him at all as I felt sunshine and hope cascading in a protective aura around me.

I decided to call in sick to work this day because it was such a lovely Friday and I wanted to lie in the sun at the beach, eat whatever I wanted, and to feel beholden to no one. I felt so free and energized.

As I was closing my apartment windows in case it rained, a solitary robin flew in through the opening, flitted around the room and then flew out. I remembered my mother telling me that if a robin flew into a room, death would follow. What a silly superstition! I packed my beach bag with bathing essentials and at the last moment, threw in a mirror which fell out of the bag onto the tile floor, shattering into many shards. I disregarded the ill portent of the broken mirror and went on my way to the ocean which always drew me to its peace and beauty.

As I got out of my car at the beach, a stray black cat ran in front of me. “Here, kitty, kitty,” I coaxed as I took crackers out of my purse and scattered them on the ground. I noticed that I stepped on a crack on the sidewalk but disregarded it because I didn’t have to worry about breaking my mother’s back because she had passed long ago. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that today was not only Friday, but Friday the 13th. “Nothing will go wrong today,” I reassured myself, “in fact, everything will go according to plan!”

When I heard my cell phone ringing insistently, I dug it out of my beach bag and answered. It was the police department telling me that my ex-husband had lost his brakes, crashed into a bridge abutment and was dead. Well, it positively was “The End” for him, I laughed as I pretended that it was karma for all his evil deeds. But in the back of my mind, I knew that it had nothing at all to do with the superstitions that had befallen me today.

Oh no! I smiled as I remember my father teaching me how to take care of an automobile, a lesson that had come in handy. On the way to the beach, I had stopped at my ex’s place of work and cut his brake lines. Oh yes, it certainly was unlucky for him! I rolled over and applied more suntan lotion, pondering the certainty of his fate.

But what about me? I had to do what was best for me after all those years of misery. Sometimes, you just have to make your own luck!

Someday, someday...someday, maybe I’ll be loved

Someday, I’ll also be able to stand tall, brimming with confidence

Someday, I’ll laugh and cry proudly without a care

Someday...I’ll escape from this prison that’s chaining me down

If only one day, I can shrug off the murky hands that are making me stay

If only one day, I can blast away those judging states that pressure me

If only one day, I can live without someone making my road

If only one day, I can smile without others pouring rain on my fun

Why is everything so difficult?

While everyone is depending on god, and wishing for a better life

Is that better? Did it solve everything?

Why aren’t we doing something while everything is dissolving in front of us?

Who were we to beg others when we raised our heads high before?

The memories that stabbed me repeatedly,

Made it clear to me that I’m not welcomed here

So why can’t you let me go already?

I’m afraid to ask if you despise me because of your glare that bores into my skin

It’s scary and suffocating, and my resolve that I barely managed to have,

Wavers, and I end up being crushed again

When will this cycle end?

The warm memories that I barely have, leaves me hanging on a thin rope

The precious thread that ‘God’ lowered down to me was snapping without me knowing

Little by little, I found myself drowning

Ah, was this my fate?

That red string that’s pushed into the darkness?

And I can’t even cry, nor yell

But only to stay as a doll?

Why? Why? Why do I have to be like this?

Why was I born with such misfortune?

Ah! Ah! Ahhh!

The pieces are crumbling, and falling!

What should we do? What can we do?

Nothing. We just wait till we fall as well

What about me?

What about me?

Have I been forgotten?

What about me?

Can’t you turn around and face me?

Can’t you admit your mistakes so that my heart could just feel a bit lighter?

What about me, god?

Are you just going to leave me hanging like this?

I’m on the brink of death with my painful memories still intact!

What about me?

One day, it will be my time,

I will have it all.

One day, I will shine

And everyone will see.

One day, I will get a break.

Everyone gets it all.

Give, give, give.

But what about me?

One day, someone will see.

They will see all I do.

My work will be noticed.

They will help.

One day, I will be seen,

I will be heard, I will be helped.

They will see all I do,

Gratitude will flow.

One day, it will be about me.

But what about me? I'm not too far gone, am I? No, I can't be. I'm still here, still kicking. Not quite alive, not quite dead, stuck somewhere in this empty expanse of gray, this twilight limbo. There must be a reason for this, I'm waiting in a waiting room for an unknown future.

I don't exist anymore, not like I used to. I once had skin with freckles, rosy skin, skin that burned easily in the sun. Now I'm translucent, now I'm dull and vague. There's no sun here anyway, no light dares to offend the endless gray. Nothing dares to offend the endless gray.

It's so barren, this landscape, so terribly desolate. I can't quite describe it, but it feels like a terrible dream, one where the horror sets in slowly, seeping, washing. Nothing lives here, not even I—whatever state of being I currently occupy, I doubt it's full life. I don't have a heartbeat. I haven't for a while now, though I lost track of when the beating stopped.

What about me? I had a life planned out for myself, a life full of adventure and excitement. I had a life worth living. I was going to be someone, I was going to mean something, I was going to achieve some wonderful achievement, create some wonderful creation. I had it all down, trust me, I've always been a planner. Only, I didn't plan on this. I doubt anyone does.

If I concentrate, I can remember glimpses of what happened, of how I got here. I think I was in an accident of some sort, perhaps aquatic. I vaguely recall the sensation of falling, freefalling, then hitting something cold, and sinking, sinking, sinking slowly. If I had to guess, I'd say I was with my husband and our friends on the ocean, on a boat. It must've been some special occasion, I must've been somewhat far from sober. I'm a good swimmer, I've always been. Not good enough to evade the gray waiting room, though.

What about me, who am I, where am I? I did have a husband, right? Or was that just part of my plan? Time doesn't make sense here, not like it used to. The temporal flow is more of a temporal whirlpool, and I find myself wandering backwards and forwards in a confused stagger.

It's frustrating, enraging. I was someone back on Earth. I had a life, I had a family. Why am I here, waiting? If I'm dead, why not quit the suspense and let me know? If I'm alive, why not wake me up? But no, I'm here, I'm here all alone, I'm here all by myself.

There's no variation in shades of gray, it's all the same, all a dull, unremarkable hue. It's so boring, so plain, and yet I can't think of anything better to do. I had a plan once. I had a long to-do list and I was always doing, doing, doing. I never stopped, because stopping meant sitting alone with my thoughts, stopping meant I was useless.

Not anymore. Now I'm pulled up in my car to a red light that never turns green, and I'm sitting, waiting, not daring to go. I've stopped, and I can't remember how to start again. All I know is this simple, barren state of existence. Is this existence? I can't tell, I can't say.

What about me?

What about me?

What about me?

What about me?

I don't remember where the inflection goes—is that the word? Inflection, or emphasis, I could never remember, I can never remember. I didn't major in linguistics. I don't recall what I studied in college, but I think it was a science. Or maybe art? Doesn't matter, all the same, all the same. I don't remember, and it's so frustrating, it's so frustrating.

I'm losing my identity. If I'm being honest, I've already lost it, but the very last shreds are finally unraveling, leaving a skeleton, a husk. This gray expanse is malicious, carnivorous, it's torn the meat from my mind, ripped the me from myself.

The gray doesn't end, and I don't think it ever will. I am here, and here is where I shall stay. It's lonely, lonely, lonely.

I think of a mother and her child, of lovers embracing, of friends laughing, and I'm jealous of these mental representations of old, long-forgotten memories. They're happy, they're at peace, but what about me?

I feel tears in my eyes as I stare ahead of me at the couple getting married:

The bride looks stunning in her dress, a ball length gown with a trailing train

The groom looks handsome in his suit, a dark blue suit that compliments his eyes.

But these tears aren't for them.

They're for me.

I didn't want to be here.

I didn't want to come to this wedding.

The bride was my sister, who had forced me to come

The groom was my ex-fiance who had left me a month ago

When they found out my sister was pregnant.

How could they do this to me?

I loved him and I trusted her and they both stabbed me in the back.

What's life when the two people you're closest to

betray you in the most awful of ways?

And then rub it in your face?

They look so happy up at the altar,

But what about me?

I always grew up,

in the church, in my home, at school,

I always grew up being told

"you live to make others happy"

so i did

I held my head high.

I said the nice things I could

I held the people who needed it

I listened to the unheard

i was told that made God happy

but what about my happiness?

I lived in a neighborhood house

I was told to be grateful

In a house full of too many dogs

Going to school smelling like dog shit everyday

i was told that made God feel loved

but where was my love?

i hate the way i look and talk

i was told i was selfish for thinking about myself

for caring about others, for taking care of others

for ignoring myself

i was selfish

i was told that someone taking their life was the most selfish thing anyone can do

that god hates and punishes those who do it

so i decided, what the hell

i'll be "selfish"

my depression and anxiety didn't matter to anyone

my love and care didn't matter to anyone

my pain and sadness everyday didn't matter to anyone

i didnt matter to god

i didnt matter to anyone

so i decided, what the hell

i'll be "selfish"

no more "what about me"

no more "where do i fit in"

no more "where is god?"

no more "what about me"

i'm going to take care of myself, for once

i don't think You've ever once considered that i am a human too.

You kissed me and i told You no,

and still You always persisted,

like i was a dog who refused to go on a walk,

and You were my owner,

late for a business meeting.

i would say i think i will always be just a dog to You,

something You are expected to feed,

something everyone has,

but i don't think You even remember me.

Messy hair, mostly not a care

Old soul, hippie vibes

Spiritual Earthmuffin Herbalist

Why be normal, that's so boring.

Another book, why sure. I will read them all sometime.

Friend to all animals big and small.

Wanderlust oh yeah that's a thing.

Lets pack a bag, grab water bottles and go.

The outdoors is my playground.

Take a stroll or a hike, smell the flowers.

Oh flowers yeah the sunflower is my favorite.

Take in the sights and sounds of nature.

See something beautiful take a picture.

Need some rest or recharge.

Just unplug a bit.

This is me

Peace out ☮️