I've often lost a piece of me.

It's always so very hard to keep.

I say something I didn't mean.

Forgetting about "look before you leap".

The stormy words coming rushing out!

I say what I am thinking,

I yell it with an angry shout.

But once it's said, I feel ashamed,

I should have held my tongue.

Sometimes the song of anger

Is one that should not be sung.

I'm miserable the rest of the day

As I hide my guilty face.

For forgiveness from those I hurt, I pray,

And hope that it's offered to me.

To keep what I've lost is my daily goal

What have I lost?

My Self-Control.

Big brown eyes

full of curiosity,

searching for truths

to satisfy her inquisitions.

Starry, hope-filled eyes

that believed deep down

that she had strength

to stand by her morality.

She grew up.

Once bright eyes began to flicker

as reality set in.

The world was not as kind

as she had once thought it to be.

Fiery eyes soon became extinguished

as life turned cold and coarse and cruel.

Truth that was once so desperately craved

became a deeply resented foe.

And she made a realization.

Dejected eyes traced the lines,

the marks, the stains, the scars.

Rereading and reliving

each unforgiving memory.

Big brown eyes looked hopelessly

down in resigned despair

at the darts, contraceptives, spirits, cuts,

at a blood and tear-stained diary.

Her innocence was gone.

And it was never coming back.

The trick is laid, Chris awakes to find his glasses missing.

Wasn't he wearing them as he fell asleep?

Retracing his steps, Chris pretends to fall asleep.

With his eyes closed, he searches for his glasses.

Mind ready to explode, Chris stands, but, being shortsighted, Chris sits back down.

Brrrrring! Brrrrring! The phonerrrings!

Blind but not deaf, Chris saunters out of bed and into the bathroom.

A furious tiger just escaped from its cage, he pounces on the noisy appliance.

Perched upon porcelain, Chris takes the call.

"Are your pipes filthy? Then call Mike Rowe the Crow..."

Chris palms forehead.

..and Chris finds his glasses!

I don't think you can get it back, it's as irretrievable as the past. I've mourned the damage done to me, and the pieces of my heart that were cruelly torn away. Trauma, especially one inflicted upon by someone you trusted, can rob you of your ability to care for others and to care for yourself. It made me feel safer to see myself as a stranger, looking from the outside in as a form of disassociation. I could no longer connect with others but that was my intention. It made me feel in control. Being in a near isolated state for the past year only made me feel more inhuman than before. I felt like a ghost, already dead. The only thing that has helped is realizing that the past is a different place, and I am a different person living in the now. I can't see myself being in a relationship ever again, my heart is simply not whole. But I hold on to the possibility that finding people who accept me for who I am can nurture my ability to care once more. Being alone has at least helped me to understand myself more, through painting and writing, and I am more forgiving of myself in turn. Even with this new sense of self I am terrified of starting a new job and beginning school once more. Terrified of rejoining life again. It will hurt, and cause new pain as well as trigger old pain. I try to remind myself that I care deeply for the person I've become and want them to have a chance to live out their true potential.

Our lives are chaos, no matter what. Everyone has some form of trauma and honestly, we all lose at least one piece of ourselves at one point or another, sometimes we don't even know it. Sometimes, the pain of losing that piece destroys us until we can't take it anymore.

Can you get it back? Yes and no. It depends on what it is for one... But even if you do "get it back", you'll never be the same. You see the world differently whether you get it back or not.

Sometimes, you can get those pieces back, but you can't go back to who you were before you lost it.

It hurts like hell. I tried to pick my phone and call my bestie for help but I couldn't. Words, actions, moves, nothing could come out and all I was able to do, was to cry and cry all over again. Now everything felt like I was dead, like I had a black heart that fades slowly each day and all I could was cry. Depression came after a week or two, sad songs on repeat, didn't want to go out, I was on my own world, sleeping all day, crying, over thinking the situation and what I did wrong to deserve such a life or why am I still here.

I felt like I was existing as a human but inside me there was a big war, that I couldn't fight and kept breaking me into pieces that I can't even count anymore. After a couple of months, I guess I started to realize how of a mess I am. Started to question myself why in the hell did I went through this while I could just have the answer I wanted or even think the positive side. Angels, it felt so awful to let myself go through depression when in reality everything can be solved.

We like to bring chaos in our lives and let the worst things to worry us, or make us feel like hell, rubbish, shit you name it. What ever is there that make us want to drown, it can be solved, even if you think there is no solution trust me there is but you are not digging enough cause you are not letting yourself to see clear.

It is hard to go through such a thing but nobody said that it would be easy! But try to clear your mind, take a breath, think of what happened and what could be better to do. Think of a solution on how to handle things, how it can make you a better version of you. It takes time to come back as you once were, but trust me you will be complete and it will make you feel better day by day, week after week. After all, giving up is not a thing we need to chase so, take a damn ladder or whatever and start climbing, start to go up instead of down.

Life goes on and so are we! Our pieces is not the one thing that needs to worry us but our soul and our mental and physical condition is. Don't give up just because of a hard time. It will get better if you start to make it better. It's up to us to become better, be better!