I remember when I was a kid and I was so happy when I got to hold a boa constrictor on my shoulders. Then I to go visit my grandma and they made guacamole. I ran and hid in the bathroom and wouldn't come out till they promised not to make me eat it.

I'm older now.

Now in my dreams, I'm not afraid of the fall but I'm afraid of the jump. I'm not afraid of the things I make but I am afraid of the jump into that new thing. I think about the world I soon have to go into and I think I'll do fine but I worry about being alone. I think about the failure and being under the focus of everyone's negative judgment. I start panicking and feeling very anxious when I think about applying for my future but I get excited when I think about the actual act of doing the thing. So anxious I cry. It's pathetic and stupid because I know I've been raised well to deal with the adult world.

I'm afraid of the beginning. I'm disappointed in the end and excited for the middle.

I cringe as I fear the absent voice

you are dead, defiant, missing

thought provoking image

never spiked into reality

left on hold in phone abyss

I am frustrated as I wait for vanished voice

I want to shout what’s on my mind

waiting wheels spinning slowly

winding labyrinths of endless music

elevator going up and down

I feel like a tumbleweed unseen and unheard

my words beg to be heard

stressed blood boiling over the rim

waiting for visions to reach human form

number nine in information byway.

I trek thought excursions blowing in my mind

you answer the phone in drawling voice

how can we help you in simpering tone

I hang up on you and pat my own back

I no longer need your worthless words

I am in control of my own destiny.

It’s not that I’m scared of dying,

Or of my life blinking out,

disappearing in a second.

I’m not.

I’m scared of surviving.

I’m scared of being the one that has to pick up the broken pieces

Salvage what’s left of the wreckage

When a loved one dies.

Having to be the one to be strong

When my life inevitably falls apart.

Knowing I’ll be

Crying

Myself

To sleep

After another person leaves me.

But this time,

They’re gone forever.

I don’t want to contend

With the desolation in a loved one’s wake

With the emptiness

They leave.

It scares me

To imagine being left behind

Watching them slowly slip away

As I stand alone

Knowing

They’re leaving me

Knowing

They’re gone.

So

Dying isn’t the hard part

It’s surviving

Standing in the ashes

They leave behind

Choking

On the emptiness

But you can’t do a thing.

Can you see the eyes?

Can you feel them?

The judgmental looks,

The mocking laughter.

Familiar terror.

Familiar memories.

Flashbacks.

Can you hear the laughter?

Can you hear the taunts?

Do you hear the bullies?

Can you feel the worthlessness,

Installed in you,

After years of bullying?

Standing in front of people,

Who watch your every move,

And judge your every word.

Looking down at you,

For your fear,

And pain,

That you can never quite make them understand.

It starts with the sweating palms,

And seeing people,

That aren’t there.

They haven’t been there in a long time.

It’s not real,

You tell yourself.

It’s not real.

They aren’t here.

No one will harm you.

Your mind rebels against you.

Telling you they’re there.

Convincing you they’re real.

Your entire body heats up.

It feels like you are on fire.

Hyperventilating.

You can’t breathe.

You can’t breathe.

You try to stop the rising panic.

Gods,

I can feel their stares.

From far away,

You can hear someone asking,

“Are they okay?”

No.

No.

No.

no

It feels like death.

Grasping for air you cannot reach,

Reaching for a world you are not in.

On fire,

Sweating.

You feel tears building.

You open your mouth to speak.

Nothing comes out.

Tears begin to fall.

Panic rising.

You’re dying.

Someone says,

“You can do this.”

No.

No.

No.

no

they’re here

you can see them

You can feel yourself shaking your head.

Wiping away tears.

Whispering.

“I can’t... I’m sorry.”

Tears swell,

Blurring your vision.

You bolt.

Crying.

Sobbing.

Trying to banish the images.

Self-pity.

Self-loathing.

Gods,

You’re so weak.

Public speaking.

So many things about it,

That make me panic.

But I have improved.

I have made myself stronger,

By doing what I hate the most.

By doing what scares me the most.

I have to be honest.

I still think debate sucks.

But it has helped me a lot.

″What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Sweet little spider

Stares at me

With eight little eyes

Sweet little spider

Eight legs

Hairy and long

Crawling

You spin your web

weaving and waiting

sit there

waiting to catch whatever flies in

oh sweet little spider

your sharp little pincers

sink into your prey

Sweet little spider

Oh how i fear thou

I fear unwanted attention.

I fear people's gaze as if I have committed a crime.

I fear my legging will tear during an extreme workout in the gym.

I fear to faint in the office with everyone looking.

I fear the pics where I look fat.

I fear meeting an old friend with a successful life.

I fear acne which pops up from nowhere.

I fear diseases and death.

I fear meeting a psychopath on the street.

I fear the death of some loved one when the phone rang.

I fear people will ask my age.

I fear someone will hit my head while I sleep.

I fear someone is looking at me when no one is there.

I fear, fear itself.

It's omnipresent character eroded me inside out.

I have started challenging fear, come straight at me

I am prepared.

Feline terror, slitted pupils,

Claws that pierce as needles,

Liquid movement,

Tails raised proudly,

Watch you, haunting,

Hunted you , dismembered.

Lions ,

Tigers,

Crouch as you do,

Waiting for a pounce to come.

A thing so high and mighty it pricks the sky

With cliffs so steep a soul will plunge to hell

So powerful the mountain, heaven’s ally

If only I could climb its peak and yell

-To the world that I’d fought it and won

But I can respect its beauty just the same

In my mind I’ll triumph and reach the sun

Death’ll become something so small and tame

My biggest fear at the moment, is not dying, but what comes after death. Will I relive my best Memories and hear my favourite songs? Will I be tortured with my worst memories, and moments? The reason I am afraid, is because If I die, there is no respawn at a saved point. Even if I am reborn, I have to start completely over. That is my biggest fear.

Thank you for your time.

Everyone has something they're afraid of like bugs or bees I'm afraid of you

I mean I'm not afraid of you the illness, I'm afraid of the things you could do

Hearing voices, fighting suicide, battling myself, feeling blue

"Kill yourself" , "Your not worth it", "No one loves you", "Your not cute"

Fight the pain, fight the noises no one else is in control of your life dont be confused

Love yourself, accept help, make the best of it, turn your disease into a muse