Never really thought about one before, ngl.

I mean, I’m 16. I don’t need a bucket list. I’m aware that my parents sort of have a bucket list of things they’d like to do, but I never really thought about one. Oh well. Here’s my tuppence.

(in no particular order, or rather the order I think of them in)

1. I would like to go horseriding. Never really been properly riding before, and this is definitely something my mum wants to do that transferred to me.

2. I would like to go skiing again.

3. I would like to learn how to ice skate.

4. I would like to see the northern lights, at least once.

5. Lose control enough to get drunk in public (or bar, rather)

6. Publish a book.

7. Have sex. (Odd one, I know, but I’m asexual and it’s not really something I care about, but once, just to try it.)

8. Have a partner with whom we have the perfect Aziraphale-Crowley dynamic, just two idiots being QPRs and having the time of their life with each other.

9. Get a PhD (forensic psychology). This is something I plan on doing anyway, but it’s also a bucket list thing.

10. Visit each continent at least once (I’ve already ticked off Europe and north America), and experience at the minimum the local’s cuisine.

11. Finish Pratchett’s discworld series from start to finish.

12. Buy my own house.

13. Read a larger selection of Orwell, as well as some books on psychology.

14. Fall in love.

15. Move to a different country. And back again is fine, or not.

16. Go to university. Make more friends.

17. Not screw up a (romantic) relationship

18. Grow my hair out, wear a dress and an outfit that actually make me look like a girl.

18.1. And then find an outfit that makes me look like a butch lesbian/boy with long hair, and wear that.

19. Find an alternate name/pseudonym I’m actually happy with for an extended period of time. (Once I wanted to be called Star. Star.)

20. Get drunk with my friends and have the time of my life.

Some things, I of course can’t share, but that’s a decent selection of things I would like to do before I die (and, of course, things that I want to actually achieve).

holding silver coins underneath my tongue

as if it tasted of another shot of your poison

cold metallic edges i'd run my tongue over

until it's bleeding and i could dream of you

holding the rusted blades underneath my skin

pretending it stung not because of your touch

this time i bleed in rivers of bitter nightmares

and i stain your fingertips a thousand times over

- deathetix

i can’t help but think

while i’m spitting words so bitter

if you all consider me

well, i don’t actually know what

i’m red in rage

glowing in the light

nothing helps and nothing changes

but we all still stand to fight

every day is another battle

every waking morning is a trouble

we have to save ourselves

before we’re consumed by the ignorance bubble

maybe i’m trying too hard

and maybe none of this makes sense

i don’t really know..

Shining silver fur, striking gold eyes

Sharp fangs and long tail

Deadliest enemies and the strongest allies

Studying the scene in great detail

Sharpened claws and loud howls

Singing songs of ancestors to the moon

Restless beasts on prowls

Intelligence and wit their boon

Swift as an arrow

Loyal to the bone

Running in the shadow

The mightiest beasts ever to be known

Animals known for their beauty and grace

Pitying and loathing the weak

Bloody fights for the leader to replace

Strongest creatures in the myths of Greek.

Well...

Look at what happened!

You're depressed again.

It had been so long.

How long?

4 Years ago since I got that sickness.

Darn.

Not again.

I was lying to myself at first.

“It’s just a bad week. It’s ok. Things will get better.”

But a bad week turned into 2 bad weeks.

And two bad weeks turned into 3

And 4...

And now we got ourselves a month.

And I’m still not happy like I was before.

Asking myself,

“When I will smile again?”

Well...

I won’t allow it.

That year was hard,

And this one is harder.

So Get used to it Voidkin,

You can’t let this happen again.

Think positive.

I’m trying.

Maybe I need to try harder.

Maybe I just can’t try at all.

But I don’t want to be sad.

It has been so long since I felt this way.

But stress does a lot to you.

I can fix this.

I hope so...

I need to be happy.

I will try.

Love.

How muddled that word can get

in the head

of a confused

young

flustered

giggly

high school girl.

How coalesced it can get with

"crush"

"like"

"infatuation".

How one moment

I could be

head

over

heels.

And the next-

realize that these feelings

will be fleeting.

And yet

I still wonder if it's love.

But

it's not.

And it's never been.

At least

not yet.

From ordinary to extraordinary.

All it takes is a little extra.

A little more effort

A little further.

From try to triumph.

All it takes is a little umph.

One more task,

One more dream.

From impossible to possible.

Reaching for the stars.

Not stopping when others do.

Doing all you can.

We can do it in our own way.

Struggling to fight,

when all others have fallen away.

dreaming of days when you can fly,

instead of just giving in to die.

So go after your dreams,

make them real.

Get others to know how you feel.

For all it takes is a little

Extra,

a little umph,

a little I'm.

So do it all this time.