When I feel so small

The little things mean so much

But when even a little is too much for you to give

I can feel myself fading

  I cease to exist. 

War’s wounded

Famine’s flotsam

Ragged rejects

Lesser lives

Collecting crumbs

Scarcely survive.

Huddled, hopeless, humanity

Uncounted, unwanted, unloved

Forgetting freedom’s fantasy.

I'm afraid that one day when I'm reading a book

Death will come knocking

And I will not be able to read the book

Death may go to other places too

Killing my favorite author

Rendering her work incomplete

I know every one has ending

I want to be complete before I reach mine.

my shoulders tense

nausea impedes any prevailing thoughts, except

I have to do this, but

my hands are shaking 

dammit, they won't stop

pools of paralyzing terror make every movement painful

hands swollen with fear

beads of sweat crowding my forehead

the future's sitting on my fingertips

they're not ready

If I can just...

the pipet's quivering, steadied by inexperienced dexterity

the likelihood offers little consolation  

I can't do this

the chemical's added to the test tube

This will ruin me, I will, I-

toxicity of spiraling doubt levels any sense of certainty

hesitation slows the forward motion

I don't know, I'm not...

chemicals spill onto the floor, failure at my feet

it's drowning me

I can't stop shaking

I'll break, but

I can't breath

why can't I just breathe

where is the air? I can't do this

why is the room this small? where is the air?

breathe, breathe! please!

I wish I hadn't.

I know you're with me

Even though you're not here.

I know you're looking out for me

From the skies above.

And I know you're telling me,

"Sweetheart, there's nothing you can't do'.

And even though I know it's not possible

I wish you were here.

Failure.

That's what I fear.

What if all the work doesn't pay off?

What if I turn into who I don't want to be?

What if my goals remain unachieved?

What if?

Everybody fails,

At some point I did too,

But not everyone

Feels a numbing pain

Like I do.

My fear of failing

Isn't just in my head

It's a powerful chain around me,

The chain that keeps me in control

The chain that makes me push a little more.

The fear runs deep in my veins

It's not just failing

It's also disappointing.

And a disappointment is what I don't want to be.

So failing isn't an option

Even if all the work literally kills me.

Failure is worse that death anyway

Atleast death won't make me feel worthless.

It's not gonna happen

It's just not the truth

There's no such thing

As eternal youth 

To whomever believes 

they'll be forever young

It means that society

Has once again won. 

Let me take these pills

Drink this wine

In just a bit Ill feel just fine.

Until then I just can't

Seem to stop this water

coming from my eyes!

Just kill me now

Put a gun to my head

Pull the trigger, pop!

I'm finally dead!

That was easy you see

To put me out of my misery

For love and my best friend

Have forsaken me

There are no Angels that want

To help me back up now

I've taken my last bow

So I retreat back to the forest

To where I belong

Where I be with the birds song

I was not meant for this world anyway

That's why I just couldn't stay.