After a long, restless night, my frail hope was fraught.

And I began my day with a terrible thought.

Even though I knew it was a sin,

I was going to do myself in.

But first, I was going to have to decide

exactly how I would commit suicide.

I could slit my wrists with a razor blade.

I could hang myself with a noose I made.

I could shoot a vital organ with a gun;

if my aim was good, that would get the job done.

I could walk in the path of a vehicle or train.

I could not wear a parachute and jump from a plane.

I could swallow a hundred prescription pills.

I could go where you can't survive without gills.

I could imbibe one poison, or another.

I could insult a body-builder's mother.

I could leave my eyes open when I sneeze.

There were so many possibilities.

Because these choices were weighing heavily on me,

I chose to eat before I became an absentee.

Well, once I ate pancakes I saw more clearly.

I comprehended that I loved life dearly.

So after breakfast I took a long, hot shower

and decided, from now on, I would not cower.

Then I slipped in the tub, and hit my head.

That, Saint Peter, is how I wound up dead.

river of gold

calling

in my dreaming

in my waking

come. find.

leave your everyday

discontent

desire

calling, calling

come

away from hearth

pull on boots

tramp through snow

follow call

seek. seek. seek.

river of gold

hiding

in the wood

in the trees

clues. signs.

brown furrowed bark

conceals it

reveals it

hiding, hiding

gold

tap the tree

bore a hole

sap oozing

sticky sweet?

lick. taste. found.

river of gold

flowing

banks of blue

winding true

down. through.

to the sugarshack

meeting

coalescing

flowing, flowing

home

boil the sap

forty to one

filter it well

refined gold

bottle. bottle. bottle.

river of gold

covering

golden stacks

waffle cracks

rich. sweet.

a toothsome breakfast

delightful

satisfying

covering, covering

me

I think this is a harmful admonishment that needs to go the way of the dinosaur:

“Be careful what you pray for – God just might give it to you!”

I think it paints a different picture of God than that revealed in the Bible. Although I’ve often heard it as a half-joke, it’s wormed its way into my view of God and left me scared to pray, and scared of how God will treat me.

It’s a religious twist of the warning: “Be careful what you wish for – it just might come true.” There are many fables that communicate this. In his avarice, King Midas wished that everything he touched would turn to gold. But when his daughter ran and embraced him, she turned to gold, and Midas found that the cost was greater than the benefit.

I think this warning has value. It reminds us that we often don’t know what’s best for ourselves. We are limited in our understanding and foresight, and that which we pine for might prove to be destructive. Let us take care.

But in real life there are no magic wishes: No genies or fairies, or power in shooting stars and blowing out candles. It’s only superstition or, ironically, wishful thinking.

Ah, but God! We can pray to him, and he has the power to answer every request. It’s not a wish that we bring before him, but a petition. He is not a cosmic genie that grants our every whim. He’s not a divine vending machine that dispenses goodies if we but put in the right payment. No, he is God of the universe, King of kings, far above all created being, and he decides how he will answer us.

How does he decide? We cannot comprehend the ways of God, but he has partially revealed himself to us in the Bible, and that revelation we can count on utterly. To those who have come to God in repentance and faith, he has made his spiritual children:

“[Jesus] came into the world—the world he had created—and the world failed to recognize him. He came into his own creation, and his own people would not accept him. Yet wherever men did accept him he gave them the power to become sons of God. These were the men who truly believed in him, and their birth depended not on the course of nature nor on any impulse or plan of man, but on God.”    — John 1:10-13

And to his children, he is “Father.” A good and perfect father. Jesus, in telling his disciples how to pray, said this:

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”    –Matthew 7:9-11

Human parents who love their children do what is best for them. Despite being imperfect and tainted by sin and selfishness, they care for their children and delight to give them good gifts. They don’t serve up rocks for dinner or toss them a venomous snake. So God, the perfect, loving Father, won’t do this either!

I think we can logically go a step further and say that if a child should ask for rocks for dinner or a venomous snake to play with, his parents won’t oblige. Should we expect anything less of our heavenly father?

Let’s return to the phrase: “Be careful what you pray for – God just might give it to you.” If I foolishly pray for something that will prove harmful to me, will God grant my request? I don’t think so.

This saying makes me think of a god who is ready to catch me in the act of wrongdoing. One who, when I pray foolishly, says, “Aha! You think that’s a good idea? I’ll show you just how wrong you are! Here, catch this snake! *cackle* That’ll teach her.”

I find that idea terrifying. It leaves me afraid to pray. Afraid to ask God for anything, because if it’s a terrible idea he’ll drop it on my head anyway. But this is not how God’s child is meant to live.

When Jesus instructed his disciples in prayer, through his model prayer and subsequent illustrations (including the snake example cited above), his entire point was that Father God gives what is best to his children. That we may seek him in confidence, asking for our needs, and trusting that he will answer in perfect love.

The apostle John wrote:

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins… If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us… There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”    — 1  John 4:9-10, 15-16, 19

Because Jesus paid for all of our sins, we who are God’s children are no longer under God’s righteous wrath and condemnation. To fear God’s response to my prayers, motivations, and desires is to fear punishment for my wrongs. But by his love and sacrifice, there is no longer any cause to fear. His love is unconditional. There’s nothing I can do today to make him love me less, and nothing I can do to make him love me more.

The apostle Paul, in writing to the believers in ancient Rome, encouraged them by these words:

“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.”    — Romans 8:32-24

What greater gift and expression of love could God give? He gave up what was most precious to Him, his one and only Son. He gave his very life to reconcile me to himself and make me his child. And if he gave me the most extravagant gift in the universe, will he withhold anything else from me? Surely not!

The risen Jesus is now with God the Father. His death and life forever atone for my sin and make me righteous before God. The writer to the Hebrews, just after the time of Christ, called Jesus our High Priest, the one who intercedes for humanity to God.

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”    — Hebrews 4:16

I think I need a new phrase, to help me come to God in Biblical prayer and to remember the secure, loving relationship I have with him. Perhaps this will do:

“Be confident when you pray – God is your loving Father!”

So much hype

anticipation

excitement

giddiness

But not so me

I'm just mellow

offput by exuberance

Am I Scrooge?

Christian friends

enthusiastic

passionate

joyful

I believe, but

I'm just mellow

content, thankful

Is that enough?

How should I be?

Me.

Consider now your little tot:

Happy, smiling, runs a lot

Reckon he will do great things?

Imagine what his life will bring.

Such a one was Jesus boy,

Toddler making sounds of joy.

Meant to die upon a tree

And by His death to set me free.

Savior! God! How can it be?

It's all in the saliva and clothes, this newborn's power. All can see that he has wizardly ability, but no has figured out that the saliva is key.

There goes the nanny, swooping in to wipe the drool from his chin with the bib around his neck.

*POOF!*

The soft cloth of his bib is now a fuzzy bunny, hopping away. The onlookers laugh, and one speculates that his coos are an arcane language of power. Another posites that he can transmute object with only a stare.

He'll go to Wizard School, of course, when he's older, but the Guild won't know what to do with him. What good is a magus who has to spit on his clothes to work a spell? He'll struggle with his classes and eventually, the only thing he'll earn from his tutors is one disapponting look after another.

He'll spend most of his life entertaining children with cheap parlor tricks. Oh, they'll be genuine magic tricks, but he'll be paid the same rate as your average slight-of-hand performer. At birthday parties, he'll remove his hat, spit on his hand, and then reach into his headwear to produce lizards and toads for the boys, and butterflies and roses for the girls.

Adults prefer gold and jewels, but will lose interest when they learn that the magically procured items only last for three minutes before reverting to saliva. A cleverer wizard might figure out how to pay his bills with such, but this tiny boy will not grow to be that wizard.

Thus he will struggle to eke out a living until his fifty-fourth birthday, upon which day the Kingdom shall come under seige and he will be conscripted. During his first skirmish, he will prove his worth when he procures arrows from his hat when the archers' quivers are empty. Five days of glory, and a parched mouth shall he gain, before a wayward arrow strikes him down.

"Oracle! Will he not be a great wizard one day?"

I turn to the crowd around the baby and reply, "He shall indeed be... extraordinary. Yes, extraordinary."

Hey everyone,

It's been an eventful year here at the Kinkade house.

Little Tommy has finally mastered potty training. Stickers weren't reward enough for a deed well done, so we had to resort to electro-shock discouragement. He seems to have developed facial twitches, but uses the toilet beautifully. We scrapbooked every moment so we can relive this adventure for years to come.

Flora, who is in fourth grade now, took up the clarinet this year. She's a diligent player, practicing every day. We bought a value pack of earplugs and distributed them to all of the family members until practice makes perfect. We don't think she's noticed.

Kristin, our seventh grader, had a serious falling out with her childhood best friend. You know how kids are at this age. Everything is the end of the world. (If you happen to know CARLY JOHNSON, make sure to tell her she's a fool for spurning my Kristin.) We're so proud of her picking up her grades this year though- she's been getting D's now!

Benjamin, already in ninth grade, had his heart set on playing football. We warned him he's much too tiny, but he put but his heart and soul into tryouts. The poor kid was heartbroken when he didn't make the team. We're encouraging him to take a second look at the bowling league.

Dale got a job as a circus trainer this year and I'm still holding down the fort.

Until next year!

Mary Kinkade

Gratitude and indebtedness are both qualities that can arise within oneself after receiving a gift. Both are a sense of appreciation for a kindness received but not earned, yet their emotional flavors are subtly different.

Gratitude is a warm, sweet flavor. It tastes like hot mulled cider that warms you from the inside out and leaves a hint of delicious cinnamon in your mouth. It's a cozy sense of well-being comprised of happy thankfulness and assurance that someone cares about you.

Indebtedness, in contrast, is the pungent taste of raw onion that won't leave your mouth, no matter how many times you brush your teeth. Oh, the sandwich was delicious when you ate it, but now you can't escape the lingering onion's sharpness. It nags at you, this type of thankfulness, because it reminds you that the kindness scale is out of balance.

Consider, for example, the time when a family from my church cleared snow out of my driveway when I was away on vacation. I was immensely surprised to be able to pull up to the garage upon my return. I knew there had been three- to four-foot drifts of heavy snow in the driveway, and when I got the story from them, I found out they had shoveled the long drive by hand! It was no trivial gift.

And here I teetered between feelings of simple gratitude and indebtedness. This act was unsolicited on my part and I knew this family expected nothing from me in return. They were happy to do it. Their thoughtfulness and evident care for me gave me that warm apple cider glow: Gratefulness. But they put a crazy amount of work into it. How could I possibly repay them? What would be similarly extravagant? With these thoughts came that onion aftertaste, cutting through the sweet cinnamon: Indebtedness.

Either feeling might lead to reciprocity. Gratitude is so delicious that you naturally want to share it with others. It's a glow that can fill you to the point of overflowing, inspiring you to show kindness in return. But when it comes to indebtedness, you just have to get that onion taste out of your mouth. You appreciated the gift, but you can't rest until you pay back the kindness. Indebtedness motivates by a sense duty, whereas gratitude motivates by delight.

The next summer after this family shoveled my driveway, I had them over for a picnic and games. Since this family has seven kids, the picnic meal was no trivial gift! In this story, the paths of gratitude and indebtedness began and ended with the same events: snow shoveling and a picnic. Only I know if I took the way of delight or the way of duty. But I'll give you a hint- the summer sun wasn't the only warming influence on the occasion.

My favorite quote is what the imperial prober droid says just before it self-destructs, but it's too hard to write out, so here's these:

"These blaster points- too accurate for Sand People. Only Imperial Storm Troopers are that precise."

"Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

"I suggest a new strategy R2- Let the Wookie win."

"That's no moon."

"This may smell bad kid, but it will keep you warm."

"Apology accepted, Captain Needa."

"Your overconfidence is your weakness."

"Your faith in your friends is yours."

"Yub nub!"

No matter your ailment

the answer is plain

food is your problem

and poor diet your bane

Eat veggies and fruits

blueberries are best

they are full of those

antioxidents

But wait! Not that blue

it was grown on a farm

sprayed over in poison

and meant for your harm

Mushrooms are full

of minerals gold

unless you can't handle

the toxic mold

Water with lemon

nothing can beat it

for stripping your teeth

as you healthfully drink it

Whole grains are best

for healthier eating

whoops! not the wheat

that would be cheating

Brown rice is better

than white all around

higher in fiber and

arsenic from the ground

Eggs are good protein

and have healthy fats

someone else says no way

you'll get heart attacks

Eat like the ancients

only what you can find

because starving in winter

is great for mankind

So much info on food

is gobbledygook

so read the real truth

in my latest book

If sickness you suffer

I have the cure

to cancer and plague

the answer is sure

This is good news

so why the despair?

I look at your plate

and see nothing there

You've tried it, you say?

Surely you jest

If you'd eaten just right

your health would attest

I pity you, friend

unwilling to fight

just shake off disease

and you'll be alright