trapped in my own mind since 11

it was always just me and him

the night terrors since i was 7

my dark passenger has to win

he calls him self chaos

he’s my partner in crime

he’s taken over my body

it’s only a matter of time

are you ready to meet him?

for he’ll soon abide in you

a letter to the innocent

just run you fool

he lives in all our hearts

calls himself greed

every-time you look at a neighbour with envy

you allow him to feed.

he lives in our minds

calls himself hate

every time you get angry

goes another victim he ate

he controls all my actions

doesn’t allow me to smile

instead i must be quiet

or he’ll take over for a while

help me escape him

he’s taking over me now

i’m lost in my mind

his voice is getting loud.

now i’ve become consumed by his antics

and lost in my demise

so someone send help

for chaos has arrived.

the depression took over his brain first

his body followed after shaking violently

everytime he closed her eyes

the devils face stared back

he’s become the embodiment of evil

intrusive thoughts controlled him

making him distance himself from everyone

looking for a way out

the only way he knows out

is alcohol and drugs

so he searches for relief

but instead throws away his life

now the only way out for him

is a noose of rope around his neck

one end tied to a bridge

the other end pulls tight as he leaps

is he in a better place now

at least he’s no a burden

other can be happy now

they’re better without him

i need a break from this life

of constant pain

so i take to the streets

3am strolling down main

i see a homeless couple

rummaging through the trash

coveting every piece of garbage

and adding it to their stash

there’s blood on the wall

someone died here

will i be next

i look at them in fear

he has two pills on his leg

they each take one

i’m overwhelmed with pity

in the darkness i wait for the sun

as the sun rises up

people are on their way to work

a sea of unfamiliar faces

yet the homeless still lurk

people pass them by

paying no attention

i realize they’re all ignorant

by the true definition

try and spend a night

on the downtown streets

i bet you’ll be amazed

by all the people you meet.

i know i changed

seeing their pain

so next time i’m out

i’ll be on main.

his mind fell into the hollow cave he called love once again, hoping for a different outcome this time.

but he knew after a while his mind would attempt to will his heart to stop beating and he’d fall back into this thing defined as depression.

what the point in trying to be happy, always smile to make a good impression, things will get better over time is starting to fade in the background like how you ignore a ticking clock at night your mind grows used to it and you stop paying attention to it. you begin to realize maybe things won’t get better, maybe your stuck in this rut. but when you feel stuck your mind goes to the one way you know out. Grab a rope form an s from right to left leave a loop around your neck tied to the roof kick out the chair, a hangman’s noose.

find the bottle don’t exceed 2 take a dozen and than 4 more, always living life looking for an escape suicidal since grade 6. fuck. FUCK. i hate these mental scars you left behind, my dad told me girls find scars attractive, i think he met on the outside, i don’t know how anyone could fall for my scars how i shake uncontrollably when i hear her name, or how i feel knifes in my head and not the normal pain, it’s fine though all these levels of psychosis makes it impossible to feel okay... except when someone’s ask me how i am for some reason i still say okay. i’m in love right now but i know i’ll never be the same, so i’m just waiting for the chair to slip and the rope to draw taught, and free me of my pain.

she tried checking my google search history, expecting to find porn or that i was looking at other girls.

she got mad when i hid it from her and wouldn’t let her see, assumed she wasn’t good enough for me, i didn’t want her to see that the last thing i searched because it was how many pills of my mothers prescription could kill me.

it would kill her to know how badly i wanted to die, so i hid the smallest things from her and she told me i never tried. i’m sorry but this depression has taken all of my energy darling, and i’m not equipped to help another person right now, distance yourself from me before i finally drown, because i’ve been treading water all my life and i’m forgetting how to swim, so stand on the shore and don’t you dare jump in

I’m throwing up flowers,

I’m bleeding out leaves,

The Vines, they crawl, suffocating me

The smoke coming from my ears,

Fogs my spiderweb threaded head,

And the Flames,

Lapping at my roots,

Destroy nothing but my last hopeful shred

Wish-wash and pan at the river,

Hopeless highs doomed to die,

I counted my seasons,

Failed attempts to wither The Vines,

I should have payed closer attention,

To my fertilizer supply.

trapped inside your eyes my mind wanders to the contents of the universe how in one instant you can see something more beautiful than the sun kissing the horizon exploding the sky with colours of wonder, more beautiful than water falling off an ancient mountain creating mist that sends rainbows throughout the sky.

and than i snap back when you ask me why i’m staring at you, i apologize and smile for i couldn’t explain the wonders i see inside your eyes or you would think i’m mad, i couldn’t explain how when i look into your eyes and hold up your face, i swear i can see the infinite starts that stretch across time and space.

i guess i’ll have to wait to tell you, when you’ve realized my brain, for now i must wait and watch, till your ready to hear these things.

I wore bruises to my wedding.

No dress.

I wore my blood as chains around my wrists.

I wore a pregnant belly and dark circles beneath my eyes.

I wore my hopelessness like a scarlet letter.

I wore my white flag of surrender.

I wore ink on paper as a prison cell.

Or at least that’s how it felt.

All I know is that there was never any dress.

#EndTheSilence

lost dream.

you and me.

me and you.

us.

what used to be

was sugar and spice

and nothing nice.

we used to wander the halls,

lost alone but found together.

turns out,

i was wandering,

but you were searching.

i was endlessly empty,

but you were finding fulfillment.

then you found it.

and now i roam the streets

clutching a lost dream

of us.