I am trapped. I am in a car. The seatbelt is too tight and I feel like I am suffocating. With each breath I take, I am closer to my death. I find comfort in this statement. I am writing this because I need to be emancipated from this pain and I need to capture my emotions for later usage. I need someone to hold me, to love me unconditionally. I want my grades to be loved, my PTSD to be loved, I want to be wholly loved. I am not though. The people who claim to love me unconditionally are unreliable and unable to keep the promise. Because they too are facing terrible days and emotions. I wanted this car ride to be good. My Ammu told me I needed to be good as well. But when I got in the car it seemed as if she threw me under the bus. She gave a 6 minute lecture on how I need to behave in front of my mom and sister. Then my painfully outspoken mother gave her two cents. It made me feel small and unloved. She told me how I was not welcome to any family trip unless I "shaped up". She told me that because I do not like to be touched I am a phyco and I have weird psychological issues. She doesn't know that whenever I am touched I feel violated and uncomfortable because of my father's abuse. "don't blame everything on your father!" She always says. This insolent, abusive father that I have is the reason for a lot of my issues. I cannot ignore half of my genetic makeup and 5/6 of the problems I possess just because it has to do with my deadbeat father. This whole trip has made me feel horrible. There has been no one there for me. I have felt alone, and I have felt depressed. I have not felt depressed for so long since before he asked me out. But he is at the beach, and we were 500 miles away in places we wish we were not. I am being told that I have caused problems this whole car ride when the people telling me this were the ones who insinuated it. I try so hard to be good. I try so hard with no result. I feel like giving up on attempting to be a "good" daughter when all I ever get told is what I need to fix it, right after i fixed the issue preceding the other. I feel better after writing this. I need to be loved. I need to be held. I feel neglected. I do not want to be told that I am insane and mental for having my own opinions and emotions. 

sleep. i don’t need it… sometimes. most of the times i go to bed it is in the time period that everyone else is dead asleep. that is my favorite time of day. the world is dead and i am so alive. i thrive off of the silent, dark nights. 4am is the closest thing to heaven. this time of the day breads the written masterpieces, the stellar homework, and my peace. my peace is derived from tranquility. it is derived from those few sane moments i get to experience daily. some say that i deserve more than i get. with every cell in my body, with every breath in my lungs, and with every tear in my eyes, i cherish these few serene hours. i sleep when times get tough. i sleep when the world has been flipped upside down. i sleep to forget. i do not sleep during the hours that grant me what i deserve most — peace.