She was concerned.

What if something happened to her and her family went into her phone?

Perhaps she should do something about all those pictures... so many pictures of the same weird things.

The subjects of her photography are things others may find creepy, odd, and perhaps even downright repulsive.

Her photos were taken from different angles (some were quite tricky to manage), and most were taken outdoors. Some pictures even bore funny captions and stickers she had added, putting her strange sense of humor on full display.

Yeah...

Way too weird.

Select All. Hide.

Now, if anyone glimpsed her photo files, they would not see all those close-up pictures of the insect life she found so intriguing. Moths, spiders, praying mantis, centipedes, scorpions, walking sticks-- basically most crawling or winged creatures she'd encounter on her daily hikes.

No one else ever seemed to understand the appeal of their intricate beauty.

Nope. Not a soul. Just her.

So she would continue to keep her odd insect fascination hidden away.

Okay so...let’s review. Principle 1: Develop sincere interest in other people. Well, that’s a lot easier said than done, book called Win Friends and Influence People. I mean, I’ve tried this with my older brother and it just...it just didn’t go well. Trying to strike up a conversation with him, as the opportunity presented itself in the form of him unannounced and nonchalantly barging into my bedroom.

Stock-still as a Ken doll, he stood there staring at me without saying a word. I've got to admit, I was taken aback to that one horror film, or maybe it’s every horror film, where the creature just stands there staring at the person...Ugh! It still gives me the chills just thinking about it.

Upon somewhat recovering from the sudden scare, I was able to ask, “S-s-so brother...h-h-h-how...how was your day?” It was terrifying and furthermore, embarrassing because he said nothing in response to my question and physically…did a 180 degree turn right out of the room. It was the most unnatural thing I had ever seen but then again, this was my older brother – he always does weird things like this. I know Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is famous for saying this quote: “I have a dream…” (and yes, trust me I fully support it) but honestly, the only dream I’m thinking of right now is that I’m genuinely hoping the younger one doesn’t follow in the older one’s footsteps. That. Would be. A nightmare. If he did! I shudder just thinking about it, as much as I do when watching actual Hollywood Blockbuster Horror Films.

Often, I’d just sit and seriously wonder “How are we related? I mean, he must be adopted, right? I feel like I should have a serious discussion with dad sometime and voice my concerns because I’m telling you, something...something’s just not right with that boy! Honestly it boggles the mind. At this point, I’m...I’m fed up so it’s either I talk with dad, or get an exorcist to do away with my older brother’s abnormal behavior, or maybe hire some scientists to uncover just how we’re related because this relationship we have –that we’re related-does nothing to help with my socialization skills or confidence for that matter. All in all, I’m afraid that if I develop sincere interest in others, they might develop sincere interest in me, my bizarre self, also known as, cringey and this bizzaro family I’ve got here. So no!

Moving on to Principle 2: Smile. Now, smiling might be a bit tricky for me. For as long I could remember I’ve always had a resting face. Expressionless. Unless, I get scared out of my wits, as mentioned in what shall henceforth only be referred to and hopefully only remembered as ‘The Older Brother Incident’ even though I’m positive there are more horrific incidents like ‘The Older Brother Incident’ to come. However, this is a must for the sake of my sanity as a 19 year old girl in a house full of men. Translation, my older brother, younger brother and my dad. All this, while preparing myself for life as a university student in a matter of weeks. That’s basically the reason why I’m studying. Making myself ready for the next level of testing in my life- overcoming social situations and ‘very likely’ public awkwardness, if adequate or otherwise desperate lengths, like this, are not taken to remedy this condition, namely, anxiety, hence my use of this book. But really though…smiling? I think I’d have to devote a lot of time to practice so that I don’t scare people away. I mean, right now, I think a horror movie can be made from my smile. No joke! I even scared myself while practicing in the mirror earlier today. Yeah, this confirms my suspicion, alright. This was not going to be a simple walk in the park.

Next, Principle 3: Always remember people’s names. Well yeah, of course…a normal person should remember people’s names but… what if you’re not the standard definition of normal, what then? Because normally, I completely suck at remembering names and thus far, there hasn’t been a time when that’s not been true. Oh, what to do about this? I don’t think this is going to work out well for me at all.

Hmm, then there’s Principle 4: Become a good listener. Um-hum, well…Isn’t this just perfect?! I’m not only awfully talented at not remembering stuff but listening well too. I’ve convinced myself that it’s a gift. Au naturel! That’s how skilled I am at this. The usual thing, for example, is when I am sent to do the grocery shopping for my family and they send me off without writing a grocery list, and by the time I step out the door going on my merry way, I’ve forgotten what they told me to buy and then I’m left with no other choice but to suck up my pride, go back inside the house and ask them to tell me again what they’ve sent me for. Beautiful, isn’t it? My life!

And now, Principle 5: Talk about the interests of the other person.This feels like a no-go along with the final principle…Principle 6: Sincerely make the other person feel important. Instead of important, I think I might help them to feel a little creeped out, though. I may not remember that well but I definitely remember that trying to do something like this did not bode well for me in my primary school days. All I did was talk to a child in my class, apparently she was ‘creeped out’ for life and that, you know, that…that was it. That was all I needed to do to lose my best friend. Don’t blame her, alright! It wasn’t her fault. After all, it was the first time she had ever seen my smile, on top of that, it was the first time she ever heard my voice. Why? Why, you ask? Because I was a quiet child. Shy. That’s why! So, the lesson learnt is that when you try to talk with your classmates or other human beings outside of your usual chit-chat with your family, immediate and extended, older brother excluded, you just know that things are bound to get interesting…less interesting…school life.

The thing about having anxiety is that when I’m in a situation where I have to talk to other people, I panic. My heart beats a mile a minute. My mind goes blank so that I have no idea what I should say. Whether I’m talking to a male or female, this always happens- never ceasing to amaze me at how consistent it is. In those times, I sit in deep reflection on myself as an individual and I ponder, if there's a reason as to why I am this way and not like everyone else who seems to have this socializing thing down flat. For me, as of right now, I’m nothing but downright frustrated. I feel like it’s not gonna be easy for someone like me to make friends and keep them over the long run. Forget about influencing people, I might not be able to be a social worker which is what I want to pursue once I go to university this year. How can I? When a social worker is supposed to be someone who helps people cope with whatever challenges they are encountering. How can I do it when I can’t even handle my own? Oh, God! Ugh! Help me!

This, I said, as I leaned into the palm of my hands while seated in the best secluded area I could find in the self-help aisle of my favorite bookstore… Serving You Bookstore- the best in my neighborhood and my go-to friend for any situation like this, that I need help with.

Wary, having stayed for what’s been over an hour now in the bookstore, I sit thinking about my hardships, and desperately seeking an answer as to how I’m ever going to survive in the new world of being a university student. I’m thinking about the future too, where once I’ve completed university and gotten a job, in the world of adults I’ll be expected to be an expert at doing things, and that terrifies me because it perfectly describes that which I am not. From where I’m sitting, the future looks bleak. I just know I’m going to flunk at surviving in this world. I’m sure I’m going to be an outcast but I really don’t want to be. I just want to be normal. Ugh! What do I have to do to be normal, hmm?!

Having no other way to release what’s been building up inside me ever since starting this challenge of seeking change, so that I, Alexia Burkham, would never be the same person again, I cried in my disappointment with myself. Ah! This feeling, it must be exhaustion. I said this, as I abruptly drifted off into sleep, keeling to the floor.

After some time passed, upon waking up, I scanned the room as best I could. Looked at myself, then at what appeared to be a patient across from me. I looked at myself again. Wait! What’s going on here? What is this? Where am I? Am I in the hospital? But how and why?

Almost instantaneously, a white blur entered the room. Hold on, what is that? Oh right, my glasses! A doctor? That’s a doctor right? Oh Good! A doctor! Maybe I can get some clarification from him about what’s happened to me. Struggling to adjust myself on the bed after reaching for my glasses from the tiny table beside me, as I was about to open my mouth to ask “Doc, what happened to me?” He approached me, interrupting before I could finish my sentence saying, “So you’re the one?”

What! What does that mean?

“Let me ask you..why are you here?” “What’s been going on with you recently?”

Bothering me was the fact that, though he was asking me questions about myself, it felt like he already knew the answers. “Umm, nothing really!” I paused, our gazes met. I felt the awkwardness, averted my gaze upwards to the ceiling then continued, “I mean, I’ve just been a little worn out lately. A little stressed that’s all.”

“Why? About university…you’re wondering how you’re gonna manage there since you’re what you call socially awkward?”

Wow! Hold up! How did he know that? I know I said nothing about that! Wait, did he..?

“Hey doc, by any chance, are you a ---?” He responded quickly without any hesitation, interrupting me once again before I could finish my sentence.

“Stop, what you’re thinking.”

“No! No, I’m not. I am an angel actually.” I stopped for a minute in disbelief, then it hit me that I was thinking of something much more unrealistic than what he had just said only about 2-3 seconds ago, so I remarked, “ Oh, wow! You are, huh?…that’s cool!

“But,” he continued, “I am sent by someone you knew but have long forgotten by now…sadly.” Slightly tilting my body to the side of my hospital bed in child-like bewilderment and wide open eyes I said “Who? Who did I forget about?” I inquired, looking in his direction so that he could fill in the blank for me.

“God! But he sent me to you on this day, on behalf of your mother.”

“Her last pleas to God were to save you when you needed it most, at the time that she was alive…struggling with cancer, and it just so happens that that day is today.”

“Today, you need it because it is high time you get to know yourself. Your true self! Before something, much worse than this happens later on and it costs you your life.”

Wanting to have my full attention, so that I’d fully grasp the significance of every statement that came out of his mouth, he said, “You should know, Alexia…you are not as you have been thinking of yourself for all these years leading up to this moment.”

Don’t be deceived. You are actually strong, brave, loving, kind. Do you remember? Your favorite verse?…Philippians 4:13 - “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

“Oh yeah!” with a soft tone I mustered up my courage saying, “From the Bible. I remember now.”

“Here’s what I want you to remember from now on, Alexia.”

“Don’t let yourself be inhibited by fear anymore.”

“You are going to step up to the challenge of university and knock everyone’s socks off…like the boss that you are.” He tucked his head in towards his chest, out of what I can only assume was immediate embarrassment and regret, and mumbled softly, but audibly, “Ugh! I should not have said that!”

“Forget the last part of that sentence, alright!

“I just meant that you will do a good job, okay?”

I chuckled upon hearing him say that and responded, “Oh! Don’t worry about it! It’s ok..I get what you mean you know and you’re right, that’s how I should be because that’s who I am!”

With a smile on his face, he replied to my comment saying,“Good! I’m glad!”.

“Also…Alexia, I just want to leave you with this last thing I say, “Remember, God loves you very much and your mom…your mom loves you too. Don’t ever forget that, okay?”

“Yes. I won’t. I’ll remember everything you’ve said to me here today…forever. It means a lot to me.”

With fists tightly clenched and pushed slightly in the air, intending to empower me, he said, “Try your best at everything. You can do it. We know you can and we hope you know that too.”

Raising my fists in the air just as his fists were with my eyes only slightly turned away from his direction, I responded “Um-hum, yeah! I can do it! I’m gonna stay cool, stay calm and conquer university life! I’m not gonna let fear stop me. Not any more! If I make mistakes, I’m just gonna learn from them. I’m human after all so… they’re bound to happen…and… that’s okay.”

“Okay, we’re good! I think I feel totally pumped!”

Turning my head back in his direction, “Thanks, d--.” I paused momentarily as I realized that the doctor had disappeared just as I was turning my head back in his direction after delivering the monologue I just did.

“Woah! He’s gone already! But into thin air though. Amazing! Anyhow, it’s okay if he’s gone now. He successfully completed his mission from God and that’s all that matters in the end.” I closed my eyes, bowed my head and prayed this in my heart silently while only my lips moved as I said each word:

“Dear, God. Thank you for intervening in my life. I really needed to hear those words and the visitation too, was truly amazing! Thanks for that! Also, I’m sorry for those times when I’ve neglected you or forgotten about you. I won’t do that from now on. Forgive me. And mom…I’m glad you gave her to me as my mother. It’s great to know that I had someone wonderful like that in my life who always prayed for me, even though I never made time to say or make clear how much I loved her when she was alive. I regret that! I regret not saying the things I should say to the people that I love while they’re here but things are going to be different from now on. I’m going to talk more, live more and love even more. I’m even willing to give my older brother a chance. Yes, I should and I will, and other people too. So in the end, thank you for giving me the strength to move on from all the bad experiences and live differently…more positively now. Bless you, my mom and my family. In Jesus name, Amen

Have you ever stopped to wonder if your life would ever leave an impression on the world? If anyone would write a speech or a book where your name was typed? If there would be something you did that would still be seen or heard decades after you were gone?

The thing is, you do leave an impression. Every day.

Every complement, every kind deed, every sacrifice you made left an impression on someone. Even if your name was never said in a speech or your art displayed in a gallery.

Remember that time you told someone you loved their nails? That was the only good part about their day. Remember that time you helped a random kid with their algebra homework? They are an engineer now. Remember that time you gave your last five dollars to the guy on the street? He is back on his feet now. Remember that time you told your friend you accepted them the way they were when they came out? You were the only one that did.

But there are two sides to every coin.

Remember that person you insulted? They can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore. Remember that person you stole ten dollars from? That was the last of their paycheck, they couldn't feed their family. Remember that time you ripped up someone's 'bad' art? That piece would have won them a life changing prize and now they are on the streets. Remember that girl you spreed a rumor about? That made her loose her scholarship and then she took her life the next day. Remember the kid you beat up because they were gay? They self harm now.

Remember everything you say and do impacts other people.

I beg you to pay attention to what you do. You can make someone's day, but just as easily ruin one. You can save a life, but you can just as easily take one.

We all know a person who has been positively affected by another person's actions.

We all know a person who has been negatively affected by another person's actions.

Don't think that your negative action will teach someone a lesson. It won't.

When it comes to love,

am I the problem?

I'll meet someone kind,

someone who wants my time

and finds me interesting.

Someone who cares about my feelings

and is sweet and lovely.

And I don't find them attractive.

How is it possible that someone who checks off all my boxes

doesn't give me fluttery butterflies down in my stomach?

Perhaps my standards are too high,

but if that were true

I wouldn't have dated my ex in the first place.

Is it wrong of me,

to want to be attracted to someone

as well as attracted to their personality?

Maybe I should just suck it up

and date someone who just treats me nicely.

It would definitely be a nice change of pace.

How did I get here?

No,

really,

how?

I don’t understand

how I’ve made it to this specific place,

where the world feels truly in the middle

of happy and sad.

This purgatory of mundane.

Perhaps it was all the poor life choices,

that took this world from bright to dim,

that sucked the joy out of the little things

and left me feeling nothing.

Or maybe it was the words

I allowed others to speak over me

Altering my world-view,

changing my perspective of myself

I don’t feel strongly anymore

I just feel stagnant in this constantly moving world.

I have a hypothesis (keep in mind that it is only an hypothesis) that the reason mental illness cases are on the rise, and are especially on the rise in the US and Western Europe, is because the number of psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors are on the rise. Universities are pumping out those degrees and those new “Doctors” must have patients, right?

On a side note, I had a doctor start me on Cholesterol meds once. When I went back for a follow-up, he ran tests and said, “Great! I see the meds are pulling your cholesterol levels back down! I will write you out a full prescription.”

Except that I never took them. The levels went down on their own. That was 15 years ago. I have no doubt that had I taken them then I would still be on them today, and we now know what those statins can do to you as far as liver damage and diabetes.

All right, back to my point.

Let’s say there’s a kid who isn’t doing well in school. We’ll call him Little Huck. Let’s say that Huck is a little wild, has trouble sitting still, doesn’t like to read, isn’t eating right, is almost unmanageable even. I knew a kid just like that once! Classic signs of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, right? Well, those are also classic signs of poor parenting. But wait, the parents are bringing the cash cow to the bank, so why would the doctors blame them? Instead, let’s let the bad parent off the hook, call it ADHD, prescribe Adderall, Daytrana, Dexedrine and Ritalin for… well, for life, right? Forever follow-up visits, forever prescriptions, and little brothers and sisters coming up the ladder-all.

So now our boy Huck is 17. Little Huck has been on those drugs since he was 12. He is moody now, hardly eats, has no friends, few interests, chews his nails, is scared of everything. No problem… just a little anxiety, they tell us. A little Xanax will take care of that, or Valium, or Ativan? Hell, we’ll try them all til we find one that works best for Poor Lil’ Huck ;)

But now Huck is 19. He has been on one, or probably a combo, of those drugs and Lithium for 7 years, and he is showing the effects from it. He is lazy, lethargic, depressed… you know the type, the Paxil, Zoloft type. The type that is addicted to all sorts of prescription and non-prescription drugs now, hates his parents, dropped out of school, steals, and is unwelcome at Thanksgiving dinner when all he really needed was more outside time, structure and discipline as a child.

But no worries! We still have that shrink who will work very hard at keeping Huck alive and insured so that she can keep up the payments on that new Lexus SUV that gets her kids to soccer practice. We wouldn’t want HER kids on all those meds now, would we?

But hey, I am no expert, so please don’t be too hard on Old Huckleberry now that you’ve read this.

It IS only a hypothesis, adder all.

(Was shooting for the bonus points, but doubt I’ll get’em, as somehow my straight-shooting hypothesis’ generally make me out the bad guy in the court of popular opinion.)

I'm trapped in my mind.

A prison of my own making

and I haven't been able to get out for a while now.

I'm not sure how I got in here,

or when the prison started to form around me,

but I know I've been stuck for quite some time.

The problem is

that the prison has begun to feel like home.

I think part of me wants to escape

but knows it's going to be tough

and uncomfortable to break free.

I've learned this helplessness for far too long now.

And where would I even start

when it comes to prison walls

made of guilt, doubt, and shame?

Of past regrets I can't seem to let go of

or forget.

Where does one even find a chisel strong enough

to destroy all of that?

How do I forgive myself for putting myself in this situation?

How do I push away thoughts,

like pink elephants,

that were never supposed to be welcomed into my mind in the first place?

I fear I may be trapped forever

in the prison of my mind.

I go back and forth

spinning on the swing that makes me sick

dizzy when i stand

ill when i sit

im scared of falling

so i let go

tell you no

see your words

turn off my phone

but in my mind i love you

i want you

and i said so

I go back and forth

spinning on the swing that makes me sick

dizzy when i stand

ill when i sit