Be real. How many times have I been fake?

I'm always fake, I tell everyone, does that somehow make me less fake?

I say one story to one person and a different thing to another. And then I go back to the person I spoke about and say it's not true.

I'm a mess. And I want a clean start. But now he's gone, and I know I messed up. It was my idea, for him to be gone.

I told my friends he pressured me when if I didn't say anything, was that really pressure? I could've stopped it. But I believed the lies I conceived.

I told one person I did truly love him, and my closest friends I didn't. Am I just scared of their judgment?

How many times has he told me not to care what other people think?

At times, I know he was good for me.

But in my head, I'm a mess, knowing and believing that he is bad.

He waved at me. Yesterday, when I fully thought he was done with me, after all, it was me that blocked him and didn't respond. I turned around. And looking at the other people in the room Why do you always care what other people think?

I turn back, and see his playful shock what? not gonna wave back?

I smile and wave back.

Today, I didn't see him. I tell my friends, yesterday was traumatizing. But was it?

Truth be told, I was ashamed of being with him. I do care what other people think. But while at the same time, I do truly know that he wasn't all that good, neither am I.

But have my deceits made me believe I'm not in love with him anymore?

Because now I look at him and don't feel a thing.

I'm fake.

New Mexico was so beautiful.

When I went last, it wore a cloak of dry sand and a crown of turquoise. Call it austere, but I find loveliness when life is stripped to its essentials, when the little disagreements between humans are forced to melt before the blazing sun.

A philosopher would say that humans are always forced to face the looming presence of death. But what nice distractions we have! And no one believes that they will die. The concept of death is so antithetical to life. Some say that the briefness of life gives it meaning, but I was never one to stop eating chocolate cake just because my stomach hurt.

So with my final words, I curse death. This desert was never meant for me.

Means move

Means make

Change that makes sense

Don't just roll over

for sake of a Movement

Expect actual activity.

Standing around with a sign

Posing around with the police

is not progress

Clear roads, process debris

Reduce

Reuse

Clean your gottamn plastic before

recycling. Thanks

Innovate, teach, build, debate

We do not obliterate. We do not

cause property damage or injury

The opposite of our objective is

Mass destruction/Mass casualty

Being active means having integrity

Look in the mirror, laugh in the face

of dishonesty. Honestly,

shaking up the status quo costs you nothing

but status. Do not disintegrate from chaos

to madness. It's not about who gets to lead us.

Lead yourself

for once. It's about freedom, if not

self-love, then at least self-trust

Behold all you can create

when you set your mind to activate

Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash

#life #lifelessons #wisdom #activism #environmentalism #objectivism

I always take it too far.

I either never romanticize my life

or overdo it.

Sometimes people will talk to me,

strike up a conversation

and I don't think anything of it.

And other times

people will accidentally make eye contact with me

and I think that this could be my great love story.

I can't just be normal,

I'm either all in or all out.

(this may sound off. I'm not good at writing emotions.)

Long, long ago I don't remember when, but it was her smile. She held herself with strength and kindness. Always the strong one. I will never forget the smile, a smile I will never see again. As I am being real here, I will never see her again. Time has gone by far too long. I will never forget that smile from 10 years ago.

i would say more, but no, I think that's all I won't ever see it again.

Life moves on, all's well.

(hell that a lot of emotions the most I've had in a long while at least for authentic emotions. )

vindicate me of myself

after i've explained to you

lengthily how i am unlovable

every bit of evidence i've created

nailed to the walls of my brain

tell me how wrong i am

indulge me with the reasons you like me

name all my best qualities

end your presentation with proof

slide a hand across my chest

don't expect me to believe it though

all love can be explained away by the liar in my head

you're too lovely

V ainly

A nnouncing

L ove

E nabling

N ation

T o

I dolize

N arcisistic

E mpty

S entiments

D iscounting

A ctual

Y earning

Please please please let me get what I want (The Smiths)

I cry for you (Marilyn Manson)

Never Let Me Down Again (Smashing Pumpkins, Depeche Mode)

I Remember (Deadmau5 &Kaskade)

The Long Journey Home (Catching Flies)

How you Remind Me (Nickelback)

I put a Spell on You (Jeff Beck & Joss Stone)

Freak Like Me (Nightclub)

First Day of my Life (Bright Eyes)

I wondered what would leak out of my head if those cracks were a little larger, repeated blunt force trauma, spraying, blood, words and spilling from this fractured skull.

The crimson words spread across the cold floor, splashing words across that broken wall of a broken home, inside my head.

ok bestie

you had a rough day? no time? hanging with them?

sure, girl. i totally believe that

i almost came to school today

through red eyes and fever

only to ensure that you wouldn't abandon me

i don't even like you that much, to be honest

but my closest friend is in italy

and i can't bear to eat lunch alone

she warns me, from rome

that you manipulated her

i knew this, have seen the havoc you've wreaked

after claiming to "not like drama"

i ask myself if i should reject you first

to save myself the trouble

but i am too nice, i think

at least that quality has never hampered you