I'm tired. Exhausted. Not the tired from a long drawn out day, but tired of my existence. I climb the hills , conquer the mountains but still fall into the valleys. This journey is never ending. A circle of disappointment. You run from the bottom and finally reach the top it either way you journey, the direction is down. This circle is an immobile wheel that won’t turn. I can’t run while staying on top. I no longer can continue this maze that seems so simple, but there no way out but one.

I envy the dark, the nothingness, the numbness of the empty space. The corpse left and the spirit free. Even if there is no heaven, no "peace", the nothingness would be the better place. I envy death, the successful suicide. The hollow location my soul can breath. No more pain, no more worry. No disappointing, no weight of life hanging in the balance. Release of my emotions into nothing. My depression worsens as I hear about death, not because of the pain of a person lost, but because that is the one thing I want most, and cannot get.

Tied on my heart

Tangled in my mind

Intertwined with my soul

These restraints grip their hold

Your life unhinged

Your alcohol overflowing

Don't underestimate how much is witholding.

My hayden, Oh Hayden

come and see

Live and breath

Just let it be

I can feel the Jett

Such power and love

Burning from within

Midnight cries in his name

For our love, to be what is meant

For our last names to be written in cement

Planted in the ground over our aging corpse

My Hayden, oh Hayden

Our future is yours.

They say laina said I could stay there and she would leave. And they are believing her and are upset with me. They know the manipulation she continuously unfolds but I’m The Who moved out with the 4 year old. I moved to peace filled walls, a place I call home, with love surrounding and never feel alone. I left the dark negative aspirations of what “her family” should be. Left in solitude with no one else but me. The suffocating grip her controlling hands relayed, I know my “debt” to her would forever be unpaid. My daughter, my light, my forever saving grace. If I was to stay with her, I would have never to see her aging face. My daughter is my life, the one I strive to keep protected , if laina kept me hostage, my life, I would have neglected. My light would have dimmed and and my future to be glazed, my soul would have left and my spirit forever fades. Leaving the walls of torture and abuse, my “forever family” left hung in a Noose. Paving my own future on my own condition, led to me loving the new place that I live in.

After the final thread was torn from my heart connecting to her, I wouldnt allow myself to cry any longer. I refused to let another tear fall because of the loneliness and broken promises. Drawing myself a bath staring at the full face of makeup applied for just a short car ride. Heart broken my daughter isn't by my side and wondering how I'm going to survive. this night with out her beautiful soul . Making the Luke warm water turn into skin searing heat and slowly sitting in listening to the water pour from the spout. As the tub fills, and the silence to loud. Deafening silence normally within my aching heart begging for the love she once showed. As my womanly body naturally cleanses, I pull the blood clots slowly from the water thinking, praying only to find someone who would love the vivid reds my body makes, appreciating me and my ability. Only knowing I am physically able to conceive and birth another child only to mentally be blocked from being a mother to more. She's taken my being for granted not understanding her heart thrashing words piercing my ear drums as they casually roll off her bitter tongue. Mindless flowers and grocery store chocolates sit on the counter only as a reminder of her convenience to "love". What has she turned into. She's no woman, she's no man, she no human. She mute, cold blooded selfish object who never thought into anyone else's mind. All my mind will let me wonder is why. Why would I let this happen. What am I gonna do for my daughter? To support her and show her what true love is when her mother can't even get it. Cheers and tears to my ex wife.

Life was getting better, my job, my future realigned. Now I’m not sure what do, maybe it’s quitting time. I don’t want this feeling anymore , I don’t want it to stay. But this familiar dark heavy blanket just won’t go away. It creeps back up swift ,but light, then it controls everything, and how I live my life. Is it because I lost my job? Another failure on my skin? Or is it that this isn’t enough, I need more medicine. I don’t want RX written on my liver, heart and mind. I want my body back, these emotions are mine. Why can’t I control it? Why does it always linger. I try my best, but everything gets stripped away at the snap of a finger. Is it luck? Or lack there of? Or is it me? Not following the man above. Is this how I’m punished? My existing track record of everything demolished. My life is an uphill battle, constant land slides under my souls. I try to get traction, but my ankles always fold. I claw at the hill, dirt under my nail, and the earth laughs because yet again i fail. Im tired of trying, tired of failing, tired of disappointment, tired of no railings. I can’t blame anyone or anything for these past years, only I can’t think of any reasons for these past tears. My heart is growing empty, dense and cold. My body only continues to grow and grow old. My future draining like water through my hands. I’m trying to drink but I don’t think I ever can. The widening gaps time is spacing, what are the reasons for these trials I’m facing. My ankles are weak, my knees trembling, my stomach sick and my lungs are empty. My heart dark and my head running. Why does this dark heavy blanket keep returning.

Hey it’s me, depression, just checking in, making sure you still have those failures on your skin. Hey how’s life, I’ve heard about how you lost another wife. Just seeing how you are, making sure I still have my grips, I just want you to avoid seeing that pointless therapist. don’t worry I’ll cover you, just stay in bed, I’ll keep control of the ideas in your head. Blame it on God, blame it on you, I don’t really care cause there’s not much to do. I won’t stay long, or as far as youll know, I’ll just be in the back, and taking control. I’ll be under that hill, you keep striving to climb but when are you going to learn when it’s quitting time? I know your thirst, I know your weak, just stop while your still down, you’ll never reach that peak. You did okay, tried to stay steady, but when you think your fine, I’ll have this blanket ready.