There I stand in front of the mirror

contemplating the reflection I see

At times I thought she was a stranger

But then I realized she was still me

The image I see is of a weary soul

haggard and faint from the weight of the world

On her shoulders she lifted years and eons

Of pain and hurt yet she had to move on

There she was the girl inside the mirror

The shell of the one who once was

The hurt child behind the mask of a villain

Perfecting her evil social stance

My nails scraped and bloody

Torn from my skin

Used unfairly as grappling hooks

In my shaky climb up this cliff

My heart still down below as my hand slips

My own gravity pulling me back

Fighting against an unstoppable force

That empty place in my chest sinking and sinking

Cold air pricks me as I plummet through the air

I got so close to the top

To hauling myself over and beaming into the sun

To glimpsing you, arms outstretched

Yet here I am, falling right back to the beginning

This time no tears track my descent

The impact of my body on the floor is jolting

I do not feel my spine breaking

My lungs rupturing

My limbs shattering

I only stare up at the wall

That brick by brick I built myself

Defeat is the impact I truly feel

I seem to go through this more often than I would like to admit

My body betraying my mind and heart, making me look like a hypocrite

I love the sea like no words could give justice to the elation that boils within me

The way my body breathes its water and turns it to oxygen like it’s meant to be

I remember the days when the waves would feel like ginormous clouds drifting me to the heavens

Cradling my soul into a state of absolute surrender. A total soul cleanse

Then one day, this love turned to something my heart knew not of

An absolute dread coursed through my veins replacing the once so called love

I do not understand how can love and passion morph into morbid terror

A fear so engrained in the depth of my soul, there must be an error

It all started on the day where I was supposed to celebrate my coming to be

The first time ever I thought I wanted to venture into the sea

Let me add that I do not know how to swim let alone survive in the depth of the sea

Like a buffoon I jumped at the first intrusive thought that should have been a red flag

Straddled a device in the midst of a windy cold nature attack

Yeah, stupid I was, I know that much and more believe me

As I was advancing to the deep, deep part of the turbulent sea

I looked below, and god I wish, I just wish that day didn’t come to be

The once clear blue turquoise suddenly took on a shade of black that hooked my soul

For a while I froze as if entranced by an entity that promised to eat me whole

You see, when faced with death you know for sure there is no escape

And mine looked me in the eyes revealing to me its true shape

I can’t remember how I got back to shore that day

I swore an oath of tears and blood to never again go that way

Like a newborn foal I dragged my shaky feet back to my room

Wept like an archeologist who just found Nefertiti’s lost tomb

I lied to myself though, like I always do

You see, to run from the things that I love, I don’t know how to

I might not venture into the deep like a pirate looking for his treasure

But the shallows call for me reminding me of the once felt pleasure

As the water slowly started to submerge this cowardly body of mine

My lungs forgot how to breathe reminding me how easy it is to fate to resign

But you see I am no stranger to crippling fear

I might be a coward sometimes but let me make this clear

I refuse to let go of the things that make me feel alive

I’ll cry and swear and nag but head first, in I’ll dive

And I did, and somehow my body remembered what living was like

When peace was injected to my skin; like a lightening strike

I might never look beyond the shallow blue

But I’d rather nurture the love that I have and not over it screw

The weight of the little gun is comfortable, in the waistband of my jeans. My sweater hides it, so no one will see it until it decides to bark, and then the only one I will be looking at will never see anything, ever again.

He left me broken, bleeding, and probably thought I would never survive. He beat me bloody, used my body for his own selfish needs, then threw me into the swamp beyond the campground. My mother always warned me not to trust guys I just met, but he had money and cocaine, and I was naive and more than a little hungry for the nose-candy.

I played dead as I floated away from the little canoe. I had thought it was a very cool looking boat, when it was still on top of his van. I was so fucking dumb.

I remember I slowly turned my head just enough to grab a quick breath, doing my best not to scream at the pain that permeated my body. My face hurt bad; I didn’t know that worse pain was still waiting to happen, once the numbness wore off from my damaged nether regions. I chanced a small glimpse, and saw that he had rowed away. He obviously thought I was dead, and that the gators would take care of the evidence.

I floated there for at least 20 minutes, breathing shallowly, and on the alert for predators. I grew up in these swamps, and I knew that bleeding in the water wasn’t a wise idea. Luckily, the only critters I saw were a heron and some squirrels chattering in the trees.

That was nine months ago.

I healed, and after some minor surgery, I can even show my face in public again. The large dark sunglasses and hat are a perfect camouflage, and will allow me to get close enough to him to finish my plan.

I intend to stick this little pearl-handled beauty in his face, hoping he sees the barrel grow to enormous size, before I lean in and say “Next time you rape and kill a girl, do it right — oh wait, there will never be a next time.” I need to see him sweat just a little before I pull the trigger.

After that, who gives a fuck… I will have saved some girl from experiencing what I went through, so regardless of what comes after, it will be worth it.

----------------------

© 2023 dustygrein

Call me crazy.

A woman in a bar

Tombstone where we are

Swilling whiskey

Drunk and frisky

Gambling

Rambling

Challenging a master

Flirting with disaster

Wanting him to break

his guns to take

Chrome .45

Bringing them alive

Pearl grip

His hands never slip

Like a flash of a candle

He grasps the handle

The barrels all m eyes see

His Daisy I be

Never want to be no daisy at all

"Does it scare you?" She asks you. In the dead of the night. Her breath merely clouds.

"Does what scare me?" Your eyes still focused on the great expanse of stars below you.

"That we are so small. That your most treasured friend could disappear and you wouldn't have the means to figure out why or where. That there are most likely beings out there that could tear our entire world apart with a raised finger, and our civilisation is too young to know what to do. Humanity could only be learning how to say its first word while others are exploring space and planets and slowly, slowly making their way to us. Or maybe they are already hurtling towards us full speed and we are just sitting here. Worried about such trivial things. Will a well paying job save us from these bigger things? Does it scare you that nothing we do in our lives really matters? But it does matter doesn't it? It matters to us. Of course a mistake made by me, or you, mightn't make the moon fall but it matters to us and we should not dismiss a human's feelings.

Maybe we are the biggest thing out here. Between these exploding stars and galaxies and planets. Maybe it is not our mistakes that will bring the moon down, but our failure to recognise the lessons thrown at us by life. A left turn instead of a right, a failed exam or interview or marriage or friendship, or a lost will to live... a lost will to love. It is our dismissal of these emotions that will sabotage humanity.

Does it scare you?"

I once fell in love with feeling free

I have chased the feeling ever since, it only lasts a second

I will stand on bridges above speeding cars

Climb to heights in the dead of the night

To stand above the city's sprawling lights

That chill breeze giving me goosebumps

I once fell in love with feeling like I could do anything

Wings have come to represent this with me

Because when I stand there

Rain running down my skin and my friend running barefoot

I feel as though I could grow wings and soar into the sunrise

Starlight strands in hair as dark as the night sky

Soft sunlight glowing from soft skin

Eyes the grey concrete that make the stairs to safety

Car headlights passing us by like tiny flashes of hope

A wire fence splits our vision into perfect parts

Pale fingers linking through the wires

Flushed cheeks, inhaling the air like it's the best thing

I look for this feeling in every song, in every movie, every place

Every face, will you give me that feeling in my chest

It makes me feel like I am, bigger than my form

I am more than this life, more than what I have done

And when I stand there with my arms out wide

I am finally free

They tell me that I’m crazy

That I’m ’losing it,' that I lost my marbles

But I know that isn’t true

They are in a jar on my bookcase

In my room, at home.

I’ve always been afraid

Of not remembering

Names, memories, and places where I have been

Or going to; or where I am right now.

Where did my dreams go? My hopes?

I’m afraid to go outside

Afraid that a raindrop might wash me away

That the wind will set me adrift

And any ideas that may exist in my consciousness

Will be purged from me.

I am no longer able to differentiate

Between moonlight and sunlight

Clouds appear as ghosts that haunt my saneness

I tremble when I see the stars

Believing that they are eyes in the sky.

Buried in my grey fissures

Thoughts are spinning, swirling, meandering

Winding through gates of scattered concepts

Burying paths that lead to awareness.

Fragments of memories are wispy

They grab at me but do not linger

Ideas go dormant

Erased as quick as a breath.

Lapses in memories are my companions

That I cannot escape from.

I am a victim of memory loss

One who lingers in a limbo of forgetfulness

Trapped in a mind without any direction

Whirling around like a pinwheel

In gale-force winds.

Dear Reader,

Will you help me find my lost mind?

For if it is found

I won’t be crazy anymore.

Please?

"You made it!" Lucy grinned when I collapsed into the desk beside her in the back of our first period class. Clock still read 8:00 am. I thanked Time for slowing down for me.

"Barely-," I wheezed, "I had to speed walk from the stop and almost got hit twice."

"You need to stop missing your bus," She teased, laughing at the angry look I shot her.

"Uh, yeah, I guess just start working on your presentations, their due Monday, you have the rubric...," our English teacher waved us off. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like teaching. Or kids. Or most literature.

We pulled out our computers and started adding quotes to our Cyrano presentation.

"Did you ever finish your lab pre-work?" Lucy asked as I flipped through the crackly old pages of "Cyrano de Bergerac".

"No," I shrugged.

"Here, I can handle this, you finish the Lab."

"You are literally a lifesaver, thank you," I immediately closed my computer and pulled out my lab book, frantically copying the background and procedures.

After about 6 minutes, we broke our focus. Honestly, that's a little bit of a record, for us.

"You know what I was thinking about last night?"

"Your mom?"

I rolled my eyes, and continued anyway.

"This time next year, Reese and Pebble will be moving," I sighed, stretching my wrist.

"Noooo," Lucy groaned, "I don't wanna think about it."

"Yeah it's gonna suck. I'm gonna miss them," I mumbled. And I really was.

We fell silent.

"We should make it a habit to call every week, like we did last night," I suggested. Now that I didn't have a time lock, it'd be a lot easier for me to join.

"Oh yeah, definitely," Lucy agreed, scrolling through pictures of Roxane.

"Or maybe, they just don't go to college." I wondered sarcastically. Lucy jumped on the bit.

"Maybe we just run away and live in a van."

"Maybe we just forget civilization and travel the wilderness."

"Maybe the apocalypse happens and we survive together, rampaging and spreading anarchy with fire and ecoterrorism and democide."

I looked at my dear friend with concern.

She looked at me.

We burst out laughing. Our teacher came over to make sure we were working, keeping a sharp eye on us the rest of the period.

"Hey, if I held a gun to your head, what would you say?"

These kinda questions were always asked when the two of us stayed awake just a little too late.

She didn't think long before answering, a sly grin creeping along her face.

"I don't know, but I bet I'd look good with a bullet through my head," She smirked, leaning back against the wall, her feet dangling off my bed.

"Oh, come on. Try harder!" I laughed, throwing a pillow her way.

I missed, but she grinned, grabbing it and pulling it to her chest.

"I dunno. Seriously?"

"yeah, seriously."

"Huh. Well, I guess I could say 'hey, let me do it for you.' or I would say please. Or I would tell you to look at the moon, so that the man you see in the face if the moon will always be mine. Or I'd say thank you, so that you wouldn't grieve to hard-,"

"One thing, Reese, one thing. You have just a few words and they could be the difference between life and death, and I've got the trigger."

"Well I guess you'll have to wait and find out. When you try to kill me, of course," She rolled her eyes. Reese was the sarcastic one. I was the dramatic one. That's one reason we're such good friends, I think.

"When pigs can fly," She mumbled, leaning her head back against the wall, closing her eyes.