The worst type of pain is all the “almost”s in life.

She almost loved me back.

He almost made it out of the ER.

They almost decided their relationship was worth it.

Maybe you were almost enough. If she had called more, or maybe you had answered faster, or you guys had spent more time talking than thinking about each, you almost could have been each other's half.

If she had reacted faster or answered faster, he could have almost made it out. If he hadn't been ignored and dismissed by everyone around him, he could have stayed and things could have almost been different.

It’s physical as much as mental. It circles in your head, following you and everytime you hear their favourite song or see someone who looks just slightly too much like them, you can’t help but get butterflies or lose your energy to sing along. Nights spent crying over something you can’t even hold or capture is just as painful as losing a tangible object. Except, soon it won’t exist anywhere but in your memories. Because you almost could have avoided this situation, but you also know you wouldn’t have chosen anything else because of the wonderful and irreplaceable part of the almost. All the heartbreak and sadness and loss comes hand in had with it. There isn’t a choice. Yet, you almost, almost could’ve avoided it. Almost.

Anxiety and depression are like siblings,

Both demanding the most out of you,

Consequently draining all your energy,

Determined to destroy your happiness,

Eating away at your soul,

Forcing you to fake a smile,

Generating horrific messages and ideas,

Hiding the real you from the world,

Invisible demons you can't explain,

Jarring your confidence and self-worth,

Killing you from the inside out,

Leaving you to suffer nonstop,

Medicine does not stop them,

Nothing you can take will end them,

Odd behaviors raise concerns,

Personal hygiene comes into question,

Quitting work because you just can't,

Reaching out to someone, yeah right,

Stopping the pain is laughable,

Tired even after a good night's sleep,

Unable to really care about anything,

Various chores go undone,

Worrying about what's next,

X-rays cannot detect what's killing you,

You can no longer say what's happening,

Zombified is your new look,

Suicide becomes the only pain reliever for many.

It is routine for an ER triage nurse to ask what your level of pain is using a scale of one to ten with ten being the worst pain imaginable. Of course, the nurse is referring to physical pain from an injury or acute condition to measure the symptom that brought you to the emergency room in the first place. Thirty minutes after administering pain medication for a broken leg the nurse will ask again how you rate your pain between 1-10. The majority will answer with a lower number because that is how pain medication works. Immediately. Unfortunately, there is no scale for emotional pain. There is also no medication for emotional crisis that brings relief within a half hour. While the patient with the crutches and cast on their leg may be in agony they will not have to hide their pain. A co-worker may bring dinner by or drive them to physical therapy appointments which aids in the healing process because of the comforting feeling of being cared for by family and friends. Emotional pain remains incognito due to the stigma attached to mental illness. Last week I was absent from work due to a migraine and elevated blood pressure. It was true that I had a headache and hypertension but I could not call in and say, "I won't be in today. My depression has flared up which is causing my entire body to be gorilla glued to my bed." There is no meals on wheels for panic attacks or meltdowns even if it was not camouflaged. People are scared of even discussing emotions because that requires getting deep and no one wants that, right? All that negative energy might spill on them and leave a stain. Emotional pain is hidden, misunderstood and most importantly has no scale.

lovelove

Emotional pain is more damaging.

Physical pain can be shut out by your mind. It's why people can lie on hot coals or lie on a bed of nails. It's why we have pain thresholds.

But you can't do that with emotional pain because the first thing it attacks and disables is your ability to block it. You can't just say...Oh never mind, ha ha...because emotional pain attacks your emotions so you can't control them.

When I saw this challenge I wrote something, which I then realised wasn't suitable for the challenge.

It is here:

https://theprose.com/post/306451/window-pain

The worst pain,

Is the,

Kind you cause yourself.

When you're alone,

And lonely,

You tell yourself,

You're weak.

When you know you lost something,

Of importance to you;

When you know you've lost your soul,

And you tell yourself it's your own fault.

When you look around,

And tell yourself,

There's no one there.

You tell yourself,

You aren't good enough.

You tell yourself,

You're not worth it.

That your issues were your fault.

That,

If only you had,

Done something,

It would be different.

You tell yourself,

There's not a place,

For you to go.

You convince yourself,

The world is better,

Without you in it.

You shouldn't do that.

It isn't true.

It's the worst pain.

And the hardest to heal from.

But it's possible.

And you can be okay.

Trust me,

I know.

Funny, I was just thinking about this today. I was lying on my, with 20 lbs of baby cradled between my theighs and my chin, and my hand was burning. the lid had fallen off the kettle as I poured, and basted my thumb and fingers in scalding steam. It hurt in a screaming, high pitched way, almost like the sound of the kettle itself.

But as I lay and felt, it seemed such a basic, simple, innocent pain. So easy to accept. Perhaps, as I am a tea fanatic, and careless as well, and so I have burned myself with boiling water to the 2nd degree many times in my life, it feels like an everyday pain. Perhaps familiarity makes it less intense.

However, I dont think this is the case with emotional pain. And maybe that is why it feels so much worse.

I thought, as I lay there, and for the first time, that I could see why they call it emotional pain. I've never thought about it as pain exactly in the literal sense before, as it isn't the kind of pain the arrives from a stubed toe, a burn, or even a headache.

But emotional pain is pain, in actual a rather simalar wat. It is a physical sensation, that the mind tells the body it won't survive. And like physical pain, it is the trying to get away that brings the level of misery up to unbearable.

Emotional pain is worse. But then I guess, having struggled with deppression, I've lived with chronic emotional pain for so many years, whereas I've only lived with physical chronic pain for a year or so at a time, following an injury.

With Physical pain, you know what to expect.

Emotional pain is invisible. It's unexplicable. It's unexplainable. Its unpredictable.

And it is sneaky. Its shameful. It has no proportion or scale, it can be bigger that your body, it can appear eternal.

The soul crushing realisation that you are not the one they want anymore. That they would prefer to be alone even, over staying entangled in your specific company.

That they have somehow understood the elusive and awe inspiring notion of letting go and it’s happening baby. WITHOUT you!

The pain of that numb awful period where the world has lost colour and joy, where you can’t find meaning in conversations with friends or once dearly loved songs..... this pain can leave the strongest of us shattered and quivering in a dark corner longing to loose all sensation and wishing everything was different .

The thing about emotional pain

is its power, something much more than two simple words

Emotional pain doesn’t have to leave physical scars but its hurt does remain,

the bone-crushing weight of your whole world,

everything around you spins, messing with your head,

everything you’ve ever felt comes back and gnaws away at you

everything bad anyone’s ever done to you or said,

leaving you broken and lost, confused by what’s left to do.

The thing about emotional pain,

is its lack of a cure.

You fall down on your knees over and over again,

whether or not you'll ever be able to get back up, you're not sure.

It's almost guaranteed to bring a never-ending battle that you feel you'll never win,

fighting voices in your own head that remind you you'll never be enough,

leaving you raw and empty without painkillers after slandering you for your sin,

leaving you hopeless, consumed by the painful knowledge that things are pretty rough.

The thing about emotional pain,

is its build-up to physical hurt.

After endless nightmares plaguing you time and time again,

after never-ending lonely nights that leave you lost in a state of discomfort,

things about you have changed, things you can’t quite explain.

You can no longer find the will to stand up, handicapped or not,

your heart is shattered, your enthusiasm battered, feeling like a trainwreck,

your mental health on the rocks, your energy all drained after years of battles fought,

so tired of fighting day and night, don’t know how you’ll ever get back.

The thing about emotional pain,

is its detrimental, destructive effect,

when the same toxic thoughts haunt you over and over again.

Every time it hits you hard, you know for sure, your life, it will affect.

The whirlwind of emotions that overwhelm you in a second,

from fiery, vicious rage to bottled up sadness,

you cling onto your last slivers of hope as though eternity beckon,

leaving you nothing more than a crying mess.

The thing about emotional pain,

is its inability to be disregarded.

You can't shut it out of your mind, it will remain,

you can't seem to ignore it when you've been bombarded.

A floodgate of memories unleashed, triggered by a single hate-filled thought,

pain-filled, intense, overwhelming, everything coming for your fragile mind in a flash,

unprepared to face the troubles and anxieties a simple thought had brought,

as in vain hope to escape from your own head, you break out in a mad, insane dash.

The thing about emotional pain,

is the numbing sensation it causes when it's beaten you, its favourite way to gloat.

It leaves you with your head spinning from the negative thoughts you can no longer restrain,

your stomach churning and that nauseating feeling welling up in your throat,

as you lie on the bathroom floor and prepare yourself for another painful night.

You take a deep breath even as it hurts to breathe, wishing all the pain away,

clutching your stomach and burying your face in your knees, for it takes all your might,

not to grab that bottle of pills or the shiny blade resting on the counter and take your own life that very day.

The thing about emotional pain,

is its strength over you.

How it's powerful to the extent it can take over your brain,

showering you with insults that gnaws away at you, even when it's not true.

The harsh taunts and cruel sneers sting your skin like acid rain,

the vicious remarks and nasty rumours pulling you in, never letting you out,

the nightmares that swirl around your mind where every look is that of disdain,

leaving you scarred, afraid and confused, till even who are you, you doubt.

The thing about emotional pain,

is its undeniable existence.

It never seems to truly leave you, always lurking in the dark before it strikes again,

overwhelming you when you're unable to defend yourself against its persistence.

When it hammers you with doubtful thoughts that never fade,

when even the voices in your head start to scream things derogatory,

till, even by your own thoughts and mind, you've been betrayed,

till you crouch down in a ball on the cold floor and yell out, why me?

The thing about emotional pain,

is its power to declare an internal battle it forces you to fight.

You find yourself facing off with your own thoughts again,

despite the fact that you fought the last battle with all your might.

It twists your mind, forcing you to fight against your own head,

as dark thoughts enter, forcing the carefree ones to leave,

as you plot your own downfall, sitting teary-eyed on your bed,

because now, only the thought of your own life ending can bring you peace.

The thing about emotional pain,

is its strength so powerful, you fight losing battles against yourself

as you take a deep breath to fight the demons in your head yet again,

to battle the negative thoughts swirling around your own mind itself.

It eats away at the happiness, the light left within you,

until gone is the happiness, left behind in its place is darkness.

This darkness...slowly takes over you.

This darkness...slowly destroys you.

This darkness...slowly defines you.

This darkness...slowly becomes you.

- b ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

I was screaming, but words weren't coming out. I punched myself in the leg to distract myself from the overwhelming anger and sadness that was radiating out from me. The worst part was not even knowing why I was feeling this way.

Physical pain is terrible. It can leaving damage and worse for years. It can cause major issues and cause even worse suffering. However, it comes with an ending. It comes with a definition. You can see a effects of a heartattack. You can perform CPR on someone.

Emotional pain is worse because alot of the time the only cure is time. There is no way of knowing what someone is really going through because in many cases there are no physical signs of it. If someone is upset, they might cry but not know why or be able to explain themselves. There are no concrete diagnostics for emotional pain. You can't put a bandaid on it and let it heal up. There are no bloodtests for heartache. There is only pain and time. Hopefully support and healing will come.

Then comes another element of Emotional pain. There are people out there that proudly show off scars like some sort of war- wound. That is not the case with emotional scars. People don't usually proudly say they are alcoholics or are dealing with losing someone. There is a setiment out there that the shame of going to therapy is one of the greatest threats to people's health. People do not seek out therapy because of a fear of what people will say or if it will negatively affect their lives.

People are ashamed to be broken and that is not ok.

Physical scars heal. Emotional demons are forever.

#therapyhelps #streamofconscious #prose #writing #challenge

Pain... It’s not emotional, it’s not physical. The worst type of pain is invisible. The worst type is not even feeling anything - numbness. Is it emotional when you’re bleeding but can’t seem to feel the expected stingy feeling in your skin and nerves? Is it physical when you feel nothing even though something bad was said to you?

The worst pain is a feeling that makes you feel nothing. That is when you know you’re hurt. That’s when tears start to roll down on your emotionless face. That is when everytip of your fingers and hair shiver. And the worst is that, there’s no perfect word for it. It’s not heart break, it’s not sadness. It’s:

“How do you feel?”

“Nothing.”