I turn inside myself to seek comfort and guidance. Longing for peace and solitude in an environment that is mind numbingly loud. I match the volume of the noise around me. Learning as I go that the loudest and the largest in the room get their needs met. I step out and project my voice, knowing I will never be the largest in the room. Compensating, I match the tone set by others before me. Appearing to be charismatic, thick skinned and personable. Wearing a smile on my face that says, "I want to be here." While I strangle the life inside me that is still seeking solace from within.

Are we born one way or the other? Is it nature or nurture that sets our distinct characteristics that deem us introverted or extroverted? As humans we are social creatures, pack animals that long and thrive from social interaction. Each requiring different relationships to support our journey through life. Some more discreet while others boast loudly together, all meeting their needs of companionship.

One might see me as an extrovert. Willing to engage in small talk and group discussions. Leading with thunderous directives from the pedestal of confidence. When in fact I have learned these traits for survival. My defense system setup against the pack that howls together in victory at the expense of the silent.

I have something to gain from socializing as we all do. But there are few who actually get the real me. The inner introvert that internalizes every move made and feels deeper than the well of my soul that I retreat to, when I am allowed the privilege to withdraw from the crowds.

An introvert disguised as an extrovert all in the search of self-preservation.

Introverted

iNtuitive

Feeling

Judging

I

iNnately

Force

Juxtaposition

Incognito

iNto

Fat

Jugs

I

iNstantly

Find

Joy

I’m

iNside

Fucking

Jubilantly

I

iNspire

Fearless

Justice

I

iNvoke

Flawless

Jizz

I’m

iNgloriously

Flinging

Jokes

:)~(:

INFJ Haiku

The Extroverted

Introverted Advocate

Rarest of them all

I like to talk

to anyone who'll listen

so long as they

are my only listeners.

My talking shines

in small groups of two or three.

In a large group

I shut down, hiding away

from anyone

who wants to force me to talk.

Many people

tell me that I should be more

social, more loud,

more enthusiastic, but

I don't want to

exhaust myself for what they

declare is the

"correct" way to live my life.

Why is it that

they tell introverts to talk

more, and louder,

to be more assertive, to

stand up against

overbearing extroverts,

to become more

social, more -- extroverted?

Why is it that

no one tells extroverts to

shut the hell up

and let us live in peace, to

leave us alone

with our thoughts so we can read

or write, or paint

or whatever gives us peace?

Why is it that

we must change to suit standards

not designed to

leave space for us to exist

in the forms in

which we are comfortable?

Why are we wrong

by social standards set by

those who whisper

louder than we even shout?

Are we to be

considered wrong just because

we're too quiet

to fight them in a battle

of volume when

we could easily defeat

them if we fought

with only the words we write?

They push us past

the limits that we have set

in place for our

own safety without asking

whether we can

survive the fall like they can.

Even those who

know our limits and respect

our choices still

expect that we will try to

change to fit their

view of how interactions

should flow and move,

and when we change and talk the

way that they want,

the way that they expect, they

believe that we

agree with them and now find

energy and joy

in the same acts and places

that they always

have and will force us into.

Just because I

enjoyed junior prom despite

the noise and lights

does not mean I want to go

with you to more

noisy places where I can't

hear myself think.

I will accompany you

to a place where

I am uncomfortable

because I am

willing to let you push me

outside the lines

of my comfort zone, just once.

But in return

I want you to spend some time

in a bookstore

or reading quietly what

I have written

so that you can understand

some of what I

feel when you drag me out: when

you feel stifled

by the circumstances, know

that is how I

feel when you take me to a

place where I am

expected to interact

courteously.

The sum of me does not add up.

The blonde swish and the carefree laugh

Does not portray the darkness

Squirreled away inside me every day.

An extrovert, it had been firmly decided,

And I didn't want to let my labelers down.

Only tragedy could upend this decree,

A shock to my entire state of being,

And I broke my shackles,

As pain set me free.

A self imposed introvert,

I studied hard for the role.

To thrive I ran, without looking back,

To escape the me that had been created,

By everyone I'd ever known.

I became an expert in my field,

And reveled in the freedom and joy

of the solitude I treasured,

Marveled in the enjoyment I took

In my unpopular preference

To distance myself from the crowd.

But my stun has dwindled to an ache,

Time has dwindled by bravery away.

And once again,

I smile for the world,

And the world in turn,

Misunderstands me,

Doesn't think to look into me,

The rays of light blinding them

And defining me.

Dreams of soft black nightmares,

Bring me out of hiding.

Are you going down below?

Or staying far behind me?

I’m friends with shadowed figures,

They walk in time to find thee.

I’m searching for my dream come true,

He’s fairytales unwinding.

Queens and kings they sit on high,

And watch for prince and army.

Are they coming home for good?

Or sadly never retiring?

Sadness spreads like falling leaves,

It’s deep and black and scaring.

Do not let it in your heart.

So please just keep on charging.