i can’t understand why my brain won’t move on

sometimes it feels like he locked me in a room and threw away the key

and i’ve built myself walls to forget where i am

but god i can hear him screaming the awful things he did

and i feel so guilty sometimes

as if everything was my fault

and i panic and wonder if he ever loved me

i panic and wonder if this will ever go away because i am suffocating

in my own guilt

that i shouldn’t even feel

i am suffocating in my own guilt even though my shooting star is there

how can i pull myself back up when i have no foothold

i feel so lost now, and i can’t find a map

he ruined my body and my innocence and now he is ruining my sleep

he is ruining me over and over again and i don’t know what to do

god please help me

-elled

you were the worst thing that ever happened to me

and my eyes are still stormy

my heart still bleeds

but when i fell,

it was selfish of you to not blame yourself

i hated myself because you let me

you used and abused me

until it was the only attention

i ever learned to get from you

you broke my heart in a million ways

but i’ll never take back the pieces you kept

i hope those shards of self-respect

haunt you every single day

and you never touch another girl

the same way you touched me

i can’t forgive you for bullying me

into submission

but i can pray that satan reserves a special spot in hell

for you

-elled

dear diary,

i met someone new today

he makes me laugh and he seems sweet

dear diary,

i don’t know if he loves me like he says

he doesn’t listen to me anymore

dear diary,

i can’t breathe anymore

i shouldn’t cry more than i smile

dear diary,

he said he’ll get better

he won’t hurt me anymore

dear diary,

he keeps saying it’ll be okay

even though he doesn’t want me

dear diary,

just because i said no doesn’t mean it’s bad

just because he hurts me doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me

dear diary,

help me

dear diary,

he’s gone

and i don’t think i can breathe

dear diary,

how can i move on when he haunts my dreams

how can i move on when all i do is worry

dear diary,

i overdosed

dear diary,

i’m in therapy

dear diary,

i don’t know if i’ll be okay

dear diary,

i don’t have to love him anymore

i don’t have to keep hurting

dear diary,

i can’t remember if i was happy back then

how can i forget when his laugh rings in my ears and the memories keep coming

dear diary,

he raped me back then

dear diary,

i had sex again with someone else

dear diary,

i’m making progress

dear diary,

i’m ready to be okay

-elled

maybe i loved you once

in a memory i had forgotten

but like water

it has rushed away from me

and left me cold

i forgot to fill the vase of flowers

and kiss you at sunset

i can’t tell if i still call for you

the way i used to

and i can’t tell if i want to

please find another woman

who will melt with you

the way i never could

-elled

just when i thought i could stop loving you

i found myself crumbling beneath the guilt of leaving

when i vowed to never be her, i never thought i’d hate myself too

it’s hurts so bad to wish to be someone else

-elled

#love #poetry #freeverse #heartbreak #loneliness #guilt #hatred #exlove #pain

i loved falling for him

looking into his eyes and feeling butterflies in my stomach

i was terrified of losing myself again

but instead i found another part of me

i loved him with all of my dreams and my hopes and my heart

he was my wish, my wildest dream, my everlasting fantasy

my head would storm with thoughts of him

and daydreaming of him was my favorite

the days he kisses me i feel alive

i can feel my heart beat faster and my soul get louder

i feel like a four-leaf clover when i’m with him

i feel love

and i wish he felt it too

-elled

#poetry #poem #poetryandfreeverse #freeverse #love #heartbreak #sorrow #pain

can you see me in your wildest dreams

am i just a fleeting wonder

because you are my endless dream

and i never want to wake up

you kiss my tears and hold my hand

yet you tell me you can't love me

i have a bleeding heart

and it's bleeding for you

i never want to wake up,

but i need you to

-elled

he still hurts me in my dreams

and haunts my past

i dont know how to forget

can i move on

when you hold me

i become terrified

you’ll break me the same way

and maybe that’s why

my smile isn’t always wide

and my laugh isn’t loud

because i’m desperately trying

to heal myself

as i keep getting hurt

and i need you to kiss my wounds

who else will hold me

when all i want is you

-elled

#love #pain #poetry #poetryandfreeverse #freeverse #heartbreak #assault #loneliness #poem #sadness

did you ever love me

when you moved between my hips

how could you see me cry

while you pleasured yourself

and think it was okay

i haven’t lived a lifetime

yet i feel the exhaustion of one

did you want to haunt my dreams

leave me bleeding broken pieces of myself

when you left i was gone

there was a gaping hole

and now all i do

is regret loving you

while all you loved was yourself

-elled

#poetry #poetryandfreeverse #freeverse #pain #heartbreak #assault #mature #sadness #fear #poet #poem