you had it.

their trust.

and your own.

everything was perfect, the drinks were flowing, the spikes were sharp

the test was easy, and you were making them proud.

but, you've lost faith in yourself again, haven't you.

the last medal to your collection is only a few months old but it feels like a lifetime ago.

when you're consistent, you don't know how good you're doing until you stop.

you can't see your own progress.

but now they look at you and they're unsure of when you'll perform again.

"oh, she used to be so good.

she used to have this shine that just pulled you in close,

she used to be so sure of herself."

now she can hardly make eye contact with people in the grocery store.

it's gotten bad.

do they make medals for trying?

Is it worth remembering what I came here to find?

Something in me which long has died

With none to mourn it but the slowly drifting waves

That quietly say their prayers.

And the hours in their dull passing.

They lament alone and empty

For I did not know them, those hours.

I thought I could know the sea

But to know her is to drown

And always at sunset as she glistens

Like a woman made of silver and gold

Before the watchless night.

______________________________

A wilderness of mirrors

reflect on your soul

While many false exteriors

extricate a toll

The false doctrines expose

societal doubt

As answers presuppose

no one is without

In a life full of deceptions

where reality is hard to find

There are no exceptions

in the theater of the mind

"I lost you, but I found me, so I win."

I lost me, but I found you, so I'm halfway to finding myself again.

I imagine dipping my hands into thick,

s t i c k y

ink

as it drips down my fingertips,

and then sliding them against your curves

and those countless

parallel lines,

pressing my signature into you,

y e s

I caught fire when licking my name off your thighs

and those wounded,

rose petal stars

each letter , ink tattooed in cerulean blue

and pressed into your skin,

I wrote me,

in a soul clustered map against the lines of your body

your heart

your mind

into the tapestry of your love

forever claiming you mine

_______

*mine as I am yours

.

i have never wanted to heal so bad.

i have never wanted to heal so bad.

never wanted to fall back in love with life, to look forwards to waking up, to shrug off my ever-present cloak of depression and be able to live with the same saturation as before.

i mourn who i was before, but i do not want to be her again. i must change, as we all do, as it is healthy, but i do wish i hadn't changed into such a excuse for who i could've been.

and i forgive myself, i do not think i am bad, or lacking, i am simply,

not whole.

i have never wanted to heal so bad, so that i can reciprocate being loved better. i want to be present with my friends, and able to have real social battery, not the half-forced laughs because i want to be able to smile with them. i want to be able to derive my own happiness from writing and existing and laughing, to prevent codependence on my boyfriend. i want to be happy on my own so i can fill his bucket too. i want to grow and change and flourish so i can share it with others.

i have never wanted to heal so bad and it's uncharted waters and i don't know how. i'm trying, believe me.

apologies for going slowly.

but also, i will take as much time as needed.

thank you.

just know, i have never wanted more to get better. to take a remedy or a pill and be happy again. i'm trying, i'm trying,

and i'll see you soon.

I’d forgotten you existed!

The very one that shattered me at one time.

I think back, or forward really just with memories, and I remember how incredibly cruel you were… how violently you broke me.

I would wait, wait. On edge. On edges of beds that you would drunkenly push me onto. On edges of passenger seats because you locked the car doors so I couldn’t get out. Edges of cliffs you made me want to jump off of. I would wait. Wait for any moment that you might look me in the eye with ones that weren’t evil. I waited for your mouth to say something that didn’t indicate my death was encouraged. I waited for the man I thought you were to show up.

I remember how incredibly cruel you were. I wondered if you even wondered what it would be like to be kind. I remember I prayed at night that you would say to me “I don’t want you to die”. But you left me to it! You did.

I didn’t die though.

Almost.

But not fully.

It’s a big thing—almost dying and actually dying.

It’s not close like light blue and sky blue.

It’s different hues on the scale.

There's the almost dying and coming back to life, me.

There's the almost dying and stay dead inside, you.

I smile at what I know I'd hear about you, if I ever remembered to waste my time asking about scum. I know nothing will have changed. Kind under pressure. Evil under cover. Having mommy save your ass. Having daddy save your cash.

But your brother. He's real. He's different than you - he said, and i quote, "He never deserved you."

I’d forgotten you’d even existed! Ever!

Dear John,

Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll get to see how much better my very own existence is ever since you blessed me with your absence.

I got out of

bed before

5pm today;

I feel tired

but I did

something.

Anything,

& that's enough

for today.

Loving you was never easy

But I never minded pain.

Your eyes and heart

Could look right through me

And nothing would remain.

In that way I was always yours

- I never doubted your love.

But I do admit

Your truth was something

I’d be wary of.

Your warmth would melt me

Through and through,

And your smile

Was always

My favorite view.

So looking back,

I never knew.

Just how small

I was

To you.